in love i am

you know, this is something forbidden to tell, and you must you must not tell anyone about this.

i fell in love with another guy. he made me forget about my partner although he's just beside me. looking at him all sweaty and tired and with full of determination, he had totally made my heart melt. tall with strong arms, sexy ass.. and that long hair.. and urgh! my fantasy kinda guy.. :P

so who is he? no other than rafael nadal! yet another dream has come true, coz mr dizzy made it real! and for that... i love my partner moreeee! it was a total adrenaline seeing the game. ive always wanted to watch tennis matches live, the big ones like..wimbledon or the french open.. but although this one aint that much, but it means a lot..damn lot coz i gotta see pro players play! hes 2nd, federer's 1st. federer is playing tomorrow, but since im working, so that has strickened me from going. but i don mind, it was more thrilling to see young bloods play. urrghhh! i love you! you know you!!

but nadal really did made me forget about dizzy. :P
mmuahs!!!!!

next would be james morisson! i wanna see him!
coz you gimme.. something.. lalalalalal!

inhalee!!!!

exhale!!!!

**yawn**

today with a taurus and a new baby in noahs!

The Bottom Line
It takes time to figure things out, but you are standing on a firm foundation now.

In Detail
Is there any such thing as 'normal'? And if there was, would you want to be it? Of course not! More than ever, you cherish your unique qualities as well as the uniqueness of your friends. Today is a great day to socialize and celebrate your diversity -- or at least organize your next social extravaganza. It goes without saying that you should avoid the same old activities and seek out something a little bit edgier. An outrageous day trip could be the perfect thing.

hihi, im with my parents now and they come from far...so i guess im gonna skip the social day today. besides, just last wednesday i went out back to back with ppl, plus dah botak dah berbelanja. next one i intend to just spend it wif dizzy. and there is a thing called normal, and im already it. and i dont mind. tats a unique part of me. i love being normal. only sometimes i crave for something more. but tats so normal.

well, social has a new meaning for the cyber world. :P
i pasted the horoscope from fs, and i think its a scam. almost everyday tat i read, it will promote social activities, go out yadaa yadaa. its like another way of saying.. hey, tats why we're here. find somebody and do something. tapi sangat memang la kan. pphhbt.

yeah.

taurus's forever love match isssss virgo. you know you! yeah you!
then capricorn. ive come acrossed these people, and i could fall for them.
then come cancer which i dont think ive ever met any cancer. if any, surely theyre cancerous. pisces yeah boleh kira jari (ones that i care enugh to know)... but dont entirely get me, or i dont entirely get them. the rest.. is a match made in hell. :P but for everything everything other than love, taurus is the perfect match for all stars. not me, some junkefunke webbie stated tat.

im a gem u know. u too i know. :)

* purple tentacle, you plant this idea. and im growing them!

latest: buntal's wife just gave birth to baby hadif safuan. hihi. so its like my 11th, and its no longer a surprise :P . i heard that she was in so much pain way before the actual birth. tats coz shes fat. really. she was so fat ppl wouldnt notice tat she was pregnant. im not joking, and i dont hate her eithr in case if ur getting there. im just stating the fact. and the gynae already told her if she didnt jaga makan, she will be having complications. and i guess tat was wat happened.

okie.

" im worth the world "

ive googled about armani code. and i read about comments about that parfum, and one of those comments was that... " that perfume makes me like im worth the world ". nicely put huh!

i went out with ruth to mv and i bought one, but before i googled them of course.. burghs!! ive tried the 0.7fl oz sample and i fell in love, and my other perfume has gone missing.. so i was perfumeless ( altho there are 2 others both awefully bungawan.. which is not me to be bungawan cinta lestari :P ). agak mahal jugakla, plus buying one wasn't even on my first things first list. im that impsulsive pimpulsiva. tsk!

anyway, ive googled about it coz i was curious.. what type of women that buy this kinda perfume and see whether we have any connections... coz i certainly like it, and ive tried to compare with other perfumes on that parfum shop but nothing comes like this one (paris hilton's was nice.. but paris hilton?? i knew some ppl who already wear em..) back to the main main.. the women.. i couldn't conclude what type of women they were. but most of all of all, they love it coz that perfume is catchy. caught lotsa attentions yadaa yadaa. i was actually hoping to see that erm.. the femmes were.. mysterious. but i guess not really.. coz they were happily happily happy commented about the perfume. see what i mean? hmm..funny coz id like to think myself as one, mysterious. :P and if i were to comment.. and to make it sound mysterious.. id put.. " the smell is dark... but yet flashes flashes, turns heads and thunders.. " ngada je.

also, i got my lens replaced. i was shocked to see that my rabunness has incresead from 0.25 - 1.20 ? ? in less than a year. the lens costs me a lot too. tapi at least dia ada dalam list utamakan bende utama. another thing to worry about. i cant let my eyes pergi lagi rabun. i feel like.. ive sinned.. and that God is taking it away bit by bit. that is of course religiously speaking ( you know what they say about bad things ). but ill take the scientific reasons just to be realistic. and less scary.

and ouh, i uploaded marketa's song. its nice.. daringly dark duck.
the song's sad. and i like sad songs. sad songs makes me feel theyre feeling really sad when they make sad songs. dont you think so? coz i feel like.. it takes a lot to make something and to sound sincerely something. but so far, the saddest singer songwriter ever.. would be rachael yamagata. she topples everyone. for now.

PLUS! dont forget to read about this fashion tip. dz gave the link to me for fun reading. and yeah it kinda make sense. :P pergi sini! hints: red lipsticks / cool hat / catchy tee wordings / vagEYEna.

" if you want me, satisfy me "

** shit its already november! **

work and social responsibility

?

i miss marissa cooper.
i wanna go home.

its 2 separate stories.
dont get all mixed.
im just tired.

buat apa huh??

ive been stalking other ppl's friendster! bosan kann.
but not just some people. mostly are my long lost friends, and just wanna hear lil updates from them.

ive brought along dvds for me to watch. but i havent got the hinch to see. ouh ouh. hinch is not an english word (kot). just tat i felt right typing it and suiting it with the sentence.

nak kench.

and errr..

"If someone you care about is being unrealistic about things, you have to tell them."

what if im the one being unrealistic? whos gonna temme?????

how often do you find the right person?

once

no matter how many you have in mind. only one topping others. ke ? ?? kan kan?
really. i mean, if you're thinking about ex bfs, and the current one.. of course u'd think the right person is the current one. and chances that u think how often.. it would be once. unless of course if you're being dumped and you wishfully still think that he's the right one for you, altho now ur with somebody else.. then its still once then...kan? im talking in circles. but yeah, right person can only be found once.



one of the songs..

so.. once. its a movie that i saw with dizzy. ive been waiting for that movie to show up on kedai ahpek, and i was obviously happy to see my anticipation was finally being rewarded by giving away rm5 and a movie in return with a good storyline. that movie, as per stated.. is a modern day musical ( way better to compare to hairspray.. ). the songs that were sang in the movie were super nice (im now looking to buy for the original ost.. ala ala devics, damien rice), and of course about that right person. it was nice. really nice. kinda make me inspired to make music. to make songs. about people who have given me so much experiences. with basic chords but with melodious tones.

hihi.. talking bout this, just now we were playing with the guitar. playing with only one note as a kickstart, we have to look for as many melodies we can get. its not as easy, but at least we got to know that its not about the technicals that matters.. its how creative you can be to play around it.


this is the ice mocha somone bungkus it for me. aww.

ive been out. and i bought things for my better being, which comes quite costly. i never took my skin seriously, but because i wanna have the perfect skin like i saw on movies...i threw myself with this pricy beauty stuffs. yeah i know its the make up, but hey.. maybe they do have perfect skin. plus.. i still bought em coz i think that with cost, i would be wasting a lot of money if i didnt use em. it seems that that theory is working..for me and its about time now to take good care of myself. and i got my hair trimmed, and also bought this thing that is suppose to make my hair perfect and not age. heh. so.... work the spell!

im clinique-d.
but i have few other things need to be doctored.
my lens is due to change. wardrobe has to be filled with new jeans. the shelf needs to put in with new pairs. and of course, my desire for everything everything that i see that i wanna buy. ngaa..

" Raise your hopeful voice, you have a choice "

ngaaaaaaaaaaaaa......................................

this is one of em! they have all the bands that id like em to be in my collections! never heard of.. but their songs are really nice to hear.. plus! they have narrowed down for me!

i think... i cant leave my paypal a/c dormant!
dz gave me this one link with a whole huge links to links. and i found this one.. and im strucked with madnesss!! i cant choose! theres too many!

jangan tamak! pilih dengan baik.. dan beli.
baiklah cikgu....

ngaaa!!!!!

those..

actions,
were...

petting pride is just not necessary. what benefits could have grown?
things are suppose to be seen differently as we grow older.

if only reason and intuition combines.

ouh! nothing in particular, tengok kerenah orang tua.. and the nearest examples would be mi daddi and that i reminded myself about him with a conversation that i had with ana the other night and serious ones with dz. pphhbt, i dont want to grow old like him. i respect him, on few of the values that he has. others just irrelevant sometimes.

do you think its hard growing old?
i once saw this one book at my old frens house when i was back in form 4, and the title was ' dealing with aging parents ' (and of course i didnt care to pick up).... hihi. i guess growing old does have certain insecurities, and probably its almost impossible for them to adapt anymore... then thats when that book might come in handy. i wonder how.. i got off from mine by just nodding.

"aging is a disease"
cottage fries.

hari sabtu hari apa ??

Hari Raya!
therefore i'd like to wish my fellow muslims Happy Aidilfitri, and to enjoy your triumph for having to fast the whole month..moderately, humbly.. but happy. :D

Mine was funny and just crazy. i mean, during that time it wasnt really funny or crazy, but seeing the pics that i took, this year had been quite different. not quite.. a lot actually.. on other things as well. and the kids were just ecstatic. raya must have meant so much to them, just like back then. and my home, is the kampung halaman that they will be telling their friends, and cherry on top would be.. ermm.. " i really have a super cool aunt ! ". ok.. tak kene mengena.

i wiki-ed aidilfitri and just like i thought, the maaf zahir batin is a tradition which is only going on in singapore and malaysia. but i didnt read till end coz its just too long. yeah! but this tradition is good, its like lifting a little guilt thats been hanging inside you, like coming clean.. especially if you're being honest. :P about me, i think i havent been that honest when kneeling and asking to forgive. coz i have these dark truths that i didnt think my parents would be delighted to forgive. so i cried. but most times that i cried wasnt due to the dark truths, just for the facts that i hadnt been nice to them. sometimes... tapi mengada je nak menangis, coz truly simply there were just heavier things going on with my parents and the older siblings. older.. i really mean olderrrrr.

besides, its just unfair on one thing. reason : if we think we're really right doesnt mean we dont have to apologise. the person who has asked to be forgiven is of course to be forgiven, and in return, we shouldnt be bongkak to just say.. alright you're forgiven. how do you know if we were really being right? how do you know that the forgivee doesnt hold any grudge or thinks that we're right? there must some part they must have felt we're also wrong and by being the one asking is a gesture to make peace. to ask is already a token, coming out from that mouth takes a whole lot of courage and to ask in return, is a real humble slave to Almighty.

just a thing i observed at home. i guess that event made me. so, i really really want to do things right after this. whats the use of saying it without doing it? its just hurtful seeing. kalau buat kat orang lagi la kan? but im laying low, id behave whenever i can.

but heh, what is world without unfairness?
i am just againts the world. with dizzy, we're two againts the world. anybody?

ouh! have you seen bourne ultimatum? that movie made me gone haywire! its too crazy to compare or to comment. mcm... agagagaggaa. best gilaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!

another movie which is also breathtaking, but totally different genre is " the mighty heart ". its based on a true story, and i read about the story on Times which they interviewed the real person, i mean the woman i forgot her name. basically that movie was about daniel pearl's wife, telling about the agonies that she had to go thru during the event where her husband went missing for months ++ and finally a video footage being sent with gruesome beaheading scene of her hubbie's. thats just that and sad. and jolie played it really well. i never really gave her any credits in acting, but this one might just change my mind. you should really watch this one. i mean, i dont know if this story being berat sebelah tunjuk barat and everything bad about islam... but still, behead someone is just too much regardless of what reason so ever.

why cant they see? to request is not by force, and to be powerful is not with violence! *mengeluh*

:P

so, happy thoughts from now on!
woot!

** forgivee is not an english word. putting ' one to ask ' is too long. its some sort of.. mentor mentee. forgiver forgivee.

everything is half

i wonder...

i just came back from a very long holiday almost like a month last month, i was forced to. its the company's regulation. it was awesome! and still i havent had the time to update those. :P i dont know what i did, but it was quite full.

still however, i get distracted pretty easy lately. i dont realise if i have been thinking, but what i do realise is that i worried about few lotsa things. its not much but it utilises every inch of my brain and never fail to faint my heart. ive been questioning. i have questions. i no longer know what i want.

questions ive been asking myself about me:
1) am i content?
2) why am i having sleeplees nights? what am i thinking?
3) what am i doing now?
3) have i fulfilled my youth to full?
4) what if?
5) is money everything?
6) if i were to just run, how is it that im going to live?
7) do i have a destination in life? what would that be?
8) am i worth it?
9) is everything else worth the effort?
10) havent i done enough?
11) am i doomed?
12) why do i worry too much!? gggrrr!
13) is he the one?
14) am i the one?
15) will he be with me always? will people be with me always?
16) do i always hurt?
17) do i care enough?
18) am i still fun?
19) is he crazy enough?
20) why the not happy thoughts open wider?
21) am i a coward?
22) am i asking for too much?
..) im tired.

hmm. i could almost answer all the questions, but i am only partially sure when i answer, but above all im just not sure what i want. i mean.. overally. im not shattered or unglued or confused or what ever it is i can think of.. just i wish.

i halfheartedly go to work. ive been staying for months and months almost a year now coz of the pay. its pays wonderful money. and wonderful days when u go and spend it. and i have left my degree for a year and i dont think i have all it takes to work up my degree. plus, i dont have the heart for that either. so im stucked. but i know i just have to be optimistic. still i feel im stucked. im a coward i guess.

the funny thing is that, ive been talking to thousands today and yet i feel like i havent changed a bit. i feel like im getting more private now. i see people, i see my friends every now and then, but i couldnt let myself to talk. i went blank, and i always thought that maybe my story is no drama and would bore them, but most of times i lost thoughts to tell. so what exactly? im never gonna get fat, too much energy been supplying my brain than to my flesh. :@

what have we become?

we're special. the human race. god's greatest creation.
but with the ability to think and to differ and to grasp, why some of them have refrained themselves from using it the right way? and to commit monstrous acts which are.. unbelievably inhuman.

what have we become?
animals is animals. they are just animals. and they cannot go much worst than being animals.
monster derives from legendary creatures which is still believed to be animals. which animals cannot go much worst than being animals.

so for whatever acts that humans do, we cannot compare it with animals. because we are more than animals.

really exactly,what have we become?





my heart goes to those who are swollen.

i certainly was!

i was circumnavigating the world, well just another small part of it. i had let myself to be blown away with the sun. i was just dying. and i felt like it would be a total regret if i hadnt. i certainly was.



will tell more about my escapade when i have a huge amount of time to spend.

sorry about piggies on prev post. that was just me being angry and looked stupid! blurgh.

ouh! somebody is turning a year older!!

ooowwwwkaaaayyyyyy

hihihi.
today has been ok.
with juisi ayin and ding dong dar, things just went out a lil bit more than usual. but there were also few other things that were not usual. turned out to be just fine!

however, when things are final.. then probably things are really final. i cant really look back into it any longer. anyhow, time had totally given me the ultimate answer. drop it and run!

ouh yeah. im going to escape from whatever things from.

OMG!

you know these 2 combinations is bad. and so.. i got a shock of my life just this morning when i was still crippled in my sleep.

my sister sms-ed me asking me how's didi whether ive seen him lately? and yes i saw him yesterday, and seemed to be like any other teenagers to me. i told her, this was pretty weird for her to ask and i wondered why?

she replied with ' ye la, aku pon pernah teenager jugak, tapi dia ok tak? kerja harini ? habestu dia tu melelehlaa kat hospital ? '

of course laa saya pusing2 baru bangun tido agak terbelalak juga mata membaca hospital dan meleleh?

so i said ' apa yg meleleh kat hospital ni.. mcm geli je. kenapa nak tanya didi ok ke tak? dia dah buat apa? apa gossip baru? mesti ada pape ni... '

thinking that my bro didi would have probably made a girl pregnant and kantoi somwhere in between. thatd be the joke of the year. but no. it was a lil bit more than that when my sister called.

he had an accident, broke his collarbones.
my eyes were popping out, together with lil laughs. my sister was laughing too and blabbed about the text messages that we had earlier. ' no wonder laa blur jee! '. tapi agak hairan kenapa saya tidak di inform? why with all the proxies? kl to jb jb jb back to kl.. (the news i mean) so i called my older brother caman. he asked whether im working today or not, and that he would call back coz he was at the accident site and gonna report themselves to the police. so i say ok. i went to the bathroom quickly to get myself showered, and that was when i realized about the seriousness of this incident.

a week and a half earlier, didi sent me an sms, a very weird one which was TOTALLY out of the blue. he was worried about me, and that was unusual for him to do so. i was in jb that time, and he told me to stay home and dont go out alone as the I's is jungling up the city and that i have to take good care of myself. i got the message like 4am, only when it was daylight and wide awake i got to understand his message and feeling all weird and unusual.

zap! that thing ran thru my mind! and worried shit whether that was a sign! superseriously! u know the sign. like any signs when something is gonna happen. the SIGN! i turned panic! i panicked! i was hysterical! and that fear! i took deep breaths and showered asap!

i quickly called caman. asked him about the status. still in balalaika polis. asked him wheres Didi and which hospital. he said didi's beside him and he's ok! i laughed! i certainly was messing with my own mind.

then i called Didi personally. didn't think the hp would be available but yes. he sounded ok and i was surprised by how the hospital treated him, and as an outpatient? when he broke both of his collarbones? few questions asked, he seemed ok. but he said he's not ok.

so my mother and sister in on their way to KL. my father is ding dong mad and refused to follow.

i thank the Almighty for not taking him away.

you are what you love

of course you are what you love.

the shirt that you wear. the pants that u bought. the shoes that you had been wearing for a year now. the handphone that never leaves your side. almost everything that you put on, you bring along everywhere is practically the things that you love. you love child pornogrpahy, means ur pervert and sick and yucks. then it is that you are what you love.

ke? :P

but jenny lewis put it in a much way comel-er.



" you are what you love
And not what loves you back
That's why I'm here on your doorstep
Pleading for you to take me back"

what have i been doing lately? and a lott! this...

i should drink more water. and i realize that my lips could easily go chapped. lipbalms help but not as much as water. chapped lips is not attractive. drinking water too. but.. they say drinking em helps for you to grow fat. pump me now! gargles.

im passed 21 now. certainly no fun anymore. certainly no more careless mistakes. certainly more dreams that i have to keep up with. certainly everything has to be certain. certainly certain!

blurghs.

anyway, i think i am what i love.
are you not?

this horrible thing

i bought a coffee which tasted really horrible, and i bought it on purpose coz i know it tastes horrifyingly horrible coz i know tht it will help me to stay awake. i cant fall asleep now, if i fell asleep, my body will be entirely invaded with this lame thing and that i would lose myself. but i am losing myself and i am already lame. just that i dont want to be any lamer. :P

so, have u seen the invasion? nicole kidman is the lead star. its a sci fi movie about aliens. like any other alien invasion, only that this time they invade using viral infections + humans become lame = surprisingly to make the world a better world. they didnt come with gooey looks or slimy and being gory, theyre these small thing. the movie was A okay, i like the part where you have to stay calm and cant sleep and be emotionless. it was funny on some parts. however, i just like more of kidman in fur. not she hairy hairy.. no. the movie 'fur'.

the fireworks thingy that is going on in putrajaya, it was awesomely beautiful! im gonna catch the grand finale tomorrow. just to get my jaw dropped and be really really entertained by the lights and the booms! its the real superstar! woot!

i cant sleep.. not now.

lips like morphine

play to listen - play to read

do you think dreams that we've been having every night is some sort of threads of messages that we werent suppose to be just amused by it and neglect day after and move on. what if? its some sort of puzzlez that we need to piece it all together? okay maybe impossible. ive been having light nightmares these days, and woke up all sweaty coz i thot it was true. i was asleep, but my brain wasnt.. so practically i wasnt really asleep coz i was actively in those dreams. which part of brain is it that dreams being made? i say dr shepherd cant tell. coz wiki says so. but is scientifically crazy. to me. there must have been like some sort of a happy liquid runs through my brain that it only wants to balance up things.. coz i think it says " if you're too happy in reality, id give terrors ".. same goes if you're having a bad day, bad liquids run thru and give you happy endings. something something. tell me purposes.

so lately, ive been googling about about organ donations. i had this idea since.. i dont know.. since jepun mentioned it and since john q? and grey featured this one episode about organs. its totally a big gesture to sign up for one.. but to save lives when u die, thats something else. i have discussed it with my mom, and she thinks of it inappropriate in a way of.. i donno. i told her about when i die, id be donating my eyes, heart, liver, skin, kidneys, lung ++ i think shes just afraid of seeing a body with almost empty insides. id be terrified on that too. mr dizzy would too. but....

so now i know, ur not donating when ur already dead. they take it out when ur still alive. i mean if you were to sign up for ones that gives out everything especially the heart, its when ur dying and cant be saved. tis is what i get from tv.

ouh my teeths are okay now. no swells im all well.

toot.

just last tuesday, i went all morphined as i went out with this morphine guy. he made me high and did these crazy stuffs. we did this one new unusual, we tested our voices in a small box. insane as always. hes the morphine guy. and i would really really really want to get high again, i dont mind if i go o.d.

overdose me i beg.

don't

please do not let anger get the best of you. coz it will only make you look soo very stupid. seriously.

well, i am now embracing the growth of my tooths. and it does hurt very much! not one.. but 2. both left side upper and below. and i heard scary stories about em, and that significant amount of money if you stall the seriousness of those pains. i didnt know it could be cancerous when you wanted nature do its thing. and and i cant let my monthly expenditure to go thereeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. but i do hope, there wont be that much complications, and that my mouth still have enough spaces for the younglings to grow. im gulping painkillers, i am max payne's friend now. gulp gulp.

about pains and surgeries... you know what have made me feel a little ding dong about doctors, coz of grey's anatomy. straight for few days now from season 1 to 2 to 3. and during those non stops, i did feel nauseous. overall the drama is okay. the plot is quite predictable coz in some ways, the story kinda remind me of sex and the city, ally mcbeal.. but with scalpels and bloods.

done. gulp.

things..

do you remember still the time where there was a farewell party for your teacher?
a clean break up with your bf?
sending away your sister when she had to study abroad?
when your grandmother died?
when there is a need of acceptance that you just have to let go?

that is it. and it never felt good.