Wednesday, July 25, 2007

barely moving

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think its pretty much easier telling it the way that it does.

i hope it tells something.
whatwever, today isnt as great. yet another news that had to be swallowed with much bitter butter batter. my beloved manager is resigning with a very short notice which had brought us with musings of unhappiness. and that have made me gained more and more less enthusiasm to continue. to be under the wings of ones whom i dislike.. is simply another bitterness that i just have to gulp in. thats terribly tearing.
ive been advised to not be too intact with those ur working with, but how can i not when going there is practically my life. same faces everyday... i got so used to it, and when they're gone... its out of the norm already.

still, i believe they're flying out to quest for the ultimate purpose of living.
which i have yet to find mine. hihi.

i need my dizziness. drug me, make me forget. whisper me strange melodies. please cut through the clouds. fly me out of this world.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

do not let me

losing is frightening. and death is.. death.

i just watched the fountain. it was the saddest story ever told. it brought me to tears on every secs of the movie. how sick. but cant help but relate to ones that i love dearly.

i dont know how people could survive. if it were me, id die along the day when the lights dimmed.just like when i lost my pet rabbit. i cried buckets full. and that was only a pet. what if....

if only death is a disease, then people would carry on to live forever.

:|

Thursday, July 12, 2007

do you?

do you ever consider yourself lucky?

i read one interesting article today. its about luck and how it happens and how we could actually have lucks on our side at all times. there was this one magician wiseman who conducted a research about luck and he said that luck will always be on the side of ppl who are always open to things. i do agree on that. but thinking again and again on the article, basically its about chances. the more you give in to risks, the bigger the chances for luck to strike. its simply like a science project. you keep on coming and doing em for something to happen, but with correct substance and right timing and perfect conditions.. something might just pop and you'll be making history.

how would you think ppl won lotteries? and on the pachinko machines? they lost quite a lot to win a lot. pure ass luck still... rather than for ones who only stand and think its a waste to waste on gambling. they gain slowly out of it.

i want to be lucky, in order to make your own luck, you gotta take things luckily. to take it on a lighter side of incidences. as chances might just be open for luck to play around somewhere in the midst...and that i can say " i guess im lucky " loudly.

yeah.

lastly, i have this something bugging my mind.

why would rich people are very.... i couldnt seem to find the word to describe.. erm.. ridiculous??? stupidly particular? stingy? assholes? well mannered but a super dumbass? knowitall? dewa bangang?

just a grudge that i went home with from work. i want to be rich, but i also wouldnt want to lose my dignity on humanity and logics and humour and happiness. coz i always see people who are rich that likes to burden themselves with hate and madness and selfishness and objections. why would rich people throw away their money but be very particular about it? shouldnt right? i mean looking at myself.. i aint that rich but im happy enough to throw away money and not keeping track on where it goes. do not practise this at home. heh.

other example:
there is this one promotion that a company is running. its like this.
spend $10000 from 1st june 2007 until 30th june 2007, and redeem for a Wii (retail price - $600), limited to first 10 customers only for successful redemptions made.

i say dont be stupid to spend 10K for that purpose. you are able to cut off the spending and just buy the damn Wii and no heartaches.
hihi okie, this is contradicting on words of luck earlier. but it it already contradicting, suppose to be spend big and win big-ger as well!
but you can go ahead and spend and redeem... but if you're not on the top ten.. consider yourself unlucky and be lucky about it and! do not brag about " i spent purposely on my a/c because of this and i cannot redeem! "

be wise. please do not make an ass out of yourself.
thank you.


lavender diamond - oh no

and and.. credit card is not making you any richer. its suppose to be convenient. conveniently poor! how ridiculous! i didnt authorise for it. but im keeping myself tight. like really tightly! what im afraid is about the opening of the cave is so small the the end of it is bigger. and that when i see the lights i aint that jolly. do you ever encounter this wisdom thingy about the caves entrance and the exit small to bigger? its about spending, this cave thing. but its not happening. on tightening myself. :D

" dizzy, make me "

Monday, July 09, 2007

An Evening In Bangkok

it was lovely. the place was pretty sooothing and thats pretty much why they call it a boutique restaurant. and we were crazy enough to take up their house specialty thai king leaves roll something. we ate till full. a total jolly golly evening in bangkok.

im liking this song!

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" I try and try but my obsession wont let me leave "

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

go go !

i went to the bank, with my smart looking 'expensive' shoe. a guy turned around and quickly looked at my shoes. i noticed him cause he was obviously looking at my shoes. then he said " that is a very nice looking shoes ".
since i knew it was coming, i say.. "ouh thanks!".
he said something more after that, but i tend to just ignore and smile and went silent and i felt safe... for some moments. after cashing into my moms a/c, i went out and i saw him outside playing around with his hp. my heart streaked few words into my brain and told me that that guy was actually waiting for me. so i took out my hp and stalled myself for a while until i saw him started walking. jadi buat bodoh sambil jalan bersama talipon bimbit. then! he was at the stairs... and he saw me and bragged some more about mi shoes on how cantik, how he'd like to take it off me and kiss it like roses. how comel my dimples were, my hair my spectacles! how big was my smile. although during that time my goal was to go home, it occured to me that there was nothing much at home. so i stayed and talked a lil bit more, just to hear nice things from a stranger. however, i know that 85% of things he said were just hookup lines and BSs everywhere in betweenn. i want to believe.. but its just too sweet that it yucks from my mouth. i mean really. i tried to shoo him away by saying im not a party girl, and that i read lotsa books and magazines, and that i will sit at a coffee shop with nothing but myself and the book, and that im a broken social scene, a nobody. but he complimented me with something else pulakkkkkkkkkkkkk. ppphbt. by that time i was already tired hearing sweet things. too much sugar aint good for red. and i told him he imagined lotsa of things. and that he freaked me out a little. he took it with a laugh and said sorry. overall, he was ok. good looking.. but ok.

but coming back home after.. i do look at the mirror and analyzing on things that he said. mihihi! but still...

im a freak. so go away.

so gentlemen,
if you really want to hook up a girl.. do not overcompliment. too much of it we would start thingking you're having classified symptom of neurotic illnesses.

and ladies,
this is what you'll get when you wear shoes with heels. they make certain sounds of attention. i love the sound of the one that i wore just now, but the sound was suppose to be strong, hotheaded, in control and to make guys turn away and small. i felt that way all along but not this time. so wear em, and with care. not to the shoes. but to yourself.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Lip Balm Anonymous

Hi, I am mjo and im a lipbalm addict. it all started when i was 16 back in 2000 when my sister bought one for me. cant take it away since then. i must have it with me all the time and i cant wear anything else on my lips, and that my life would be 40% empty without it.

help.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

hello / goodbye

DSC00148
caroline lufkin - sunrise

we were there. we sat on the front row. we were enjoying ourselves. we were enjoying her songs. most of all... we were enjoying her performances.

she was small, she was wearing a very wornout black shoes, and a cute green dress. her face was all red and nervous, and was almost speechless... but she managed to sing beautifully. and nothing lesser than from what you listened from her cd, and wayyy too much better. she sang sunrise for the opening song, made my heart thumping around with disbelief. second most waited was 'wheres my love'. she sang the song with a pouring heart, almost to follow with a teary eyes, but she didnt. it was only my feelings.

the showcase was sooo warm (although it was damn cold), and just lovely. and with dizzy around... gggr. it was among the memorable times of the year.

we headed out home after almost the 2 hours performances. pixie didnt go home after that as she'd like to steal more of sweet moments with caroline... and she did. i am so much lesser, as pixie is a bigger fan than i am. so caroline returned her love which was awesome hearing her summarised experiences with lufkin. hihi.

then on sunday, i hurried out to sunway to pick out dizzy and fara. thought of going for a movie, but ended up shopping instead. i bought few dresses which is suppose to be cute on me, and i really hope it will look cute on me, however... i just dont know when to wear em. hehe... and fara did too. and surprisingly she bought the same dresses like mine. so i told her, do not wear em if we were to meet. she said ok. she was funny. shes the little sister that i never had. and i get to pretend to be the older sister. and give out advices and be open to whatever.

i had a lovely weekend. and i never wished for em to end.

Monday, June 18, 2007

the cold still bite my bones

todays matter is happiness.
i dont know how to explain on that one. but it sure does things momentarily and temporary. and that it cannot beat despairs and sorrows. materialistically speaking, happiness can be bought as well. it gives you hope sometimes. it makes you wish that it will last a lifetime. but then again, its momentarily and temporary...which is usually depressing. i am just tired of trying. and my heart starts confessing. i have yet to reach my mid life and now i am thinking everything is at world's end. i seem to be having this kind of unhealthy thoughts every now and then. i seriously need to take a serious action to steer my mind away straight to the ultimate happiness. if any... things are much easier if i could just blame it to someone else and thats totally unfair i know, even so... still it wouldnt solve anything. this is what happens when desire suffocate your mind. life living is not plenty enough to be approved by one's own.

yes i still havent had enough of things. especially this, where i and dizzy head out to one of the cold districts here. it was breathtakingly beautiful. the tea plantations, the strawberries, the mountains and the soft kisses of cold air to the skin... it was like the life you'd like to escape to and live. the trip was nauseaus (is the spell correct?), and short and windy and cold and green and pretty and lovely. i cant thank dizzy enough of how the trip made me happy. having you around again is certainly the most blissful dream. and for that i wish that you will never leave me alone again. ever again.

im sorry that i love and yet i hurt.
the cold still bite my bones

Thursday, June 14, 2007

did i fly to the moon too soon?


freelance hellriser - want you to know

im sure most of you have watched the latest advertisement from sony ericsson. the first time i saw it i thought.. hey i gotta have that handphone! but since right now im short of supply.. i say maybe later. but still.. the song that was featured in that ad was momentous.

additional spice: it was sooooo hard finding this song! i spent all evening pusing mata mencari. but was not as hard as finding feist's version of lover's spit. whatever kelape...want you to know, this song makes me happy.

i tried as could not to fall asleep after work. now my head is totally out of this world. im out of air. im closing my eyes. i just want to sleep, and hope not to die.

"We don't need to say goodbye
We don't need to fight and cry
Oh we, we could hold each other tight tonight"

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

be my guest, go ahead!

i am so going to caroline's showcase!
however, i was quite surprised that klpac was dead on this particular sunday night. like really dead and scary super scary made me paranoid by its deadness. took a trip there to get tix for lufkin's, but the sales office was closed. they say it was closed at 8.. but we were there at 7.55. just odd. and pixie was again went funky monkey in the car. and ouh! mud city really was into the mud thing. rain, clogs and knee high... do avoid the city during heavy rains.

surprisingly today, i found some money in my backpockets, its not $1 or $2, $5 or $10.... but $150??? someone is sending out a message that i should really go out and buy awesome things!! ? the amount is getting bigger and bigger that makes my mouth open wider and wider and mata juling and julinger.... but nah. ill save it for rainy days.

i wanna be dizzied for forever.

"sunrise, make me feel love"

Friday, June 08, 2007

" Built up so much it crushed us everyday "


maroon 5 - won't go home without you.

this song has been buggin my head for days now. first heard this song at this one shop in lion city. didnt take long to recognize the voice.

the song's cute.

10 items or less

is a title of a movie.

while i was lying on the floor, i tried to think of something. and surprisingly i coulnt think of anything. and at the back of mind, it said ' you have loads of things you have to think about, and yet you cant think of any. '

its not that i cannot think of any, i just dont know how. and im just afraid to. long term isnt my thing. i always think that living life on day to day basis is the way to cope. much easier as well. dont look forward, dont look back. do live for the moment, and let them pass.

but it does bug me on certain occasions. though i have my life coach with me.... i still cant draw my line of paths. whenever being asked 'what is your goal?' i turned all blue and weak and goal-less.

the farthest that i can see, is only my nose. be still my heart.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

2 days before the day after tomorrow

can you figure out what day is 2 days before the day after tomorrow. i had quite a trouble time figuring that one out. yeah yeah im an old feeble machine. he got that from SP, he's as crazy.

so this is my second day on the grave yard. and i feel like telling.

i had met pixie early last month. she's odd and crazy and she has nice things to say. we were strangers in the office, and she was still when we went for shopping spree - kindnapped me to a curvy complex - coaxed me to sleep at her house and gotten even stranger when i realized she hypnotized me to follow her to her aunt's getaway party. but since she has nice set of teeths i say alright.

last weekend, i went back to jb and pixie was dying to get out of the country. and since the lion city is a wicked country especially on GSS and only a swim away from my house, lets do this. we drove out for a jolly adventure from kl at 7pm and i was never well driving at night time but since i borrowed pixie's pair of eyes to assist me, i thought... okay. but it was her singings that had given me erm..ultimate motivation? to arrive home ASAP. :P she crashed in for a night at my humble ol house and she had something that sent skittles to my bone at night. this time, not only her clinching teeths.. but something. hihi

woke up late the next morning. went to bandar for money, lunched, and off we went. firstly i did not have the intention of going to the lion city as i already had enough of the citizens. but pixie was in the state of refreshing up, and thought maybe i needed it too so i decided to be the sucky tourist guide. i am sure as hell im awesome at that.we were tortoise. on and off the bus, on and off the train, by the time we reached the main city i started to have feet aches as well as backpains. and rewarded ourselves with a dollar icecream. we sat near the icecream cart and people kept on coming for the icecream and we thought that it was because of us. (ps: i and dz always thought that this kind of advertising is the bestest) we ate it till the last stroke of tongue. geli tak penggunaan perkataan tu.

we walked again intentionally burning our feets. and took pictures for friendster or rajin enough to flckr. pixie did more shoppings than i did. as usual, the mama bosan thingy kicked in. however, managed to buy bubblywonky a polo shirt where the crocodile open wide its mouth. nipples for newborn sara and few other stuffs for myself :P wonky was jiggly when he got his polo. jiggly bubble puff.

back to the episodes of our adventure.. early evening after mikidees, pixie managed to get ahold of her aunt n unc. and went off to take off our almost heavy turtle packs and cont our splurging quests until we worn ourselves out. then somewhre 11++ we arrived at pixie's aunt's house and slept till 10 in the morn. and ouh! pixie's neph tried to wake me up by callng me momma. it worked a bit, but i was not his momma and seconds after he knew i wasnt so we both knew what we wanted and we split ways. tapi sangat lah comel itu kanak riang ria. hours later, we found ourselves wondering around another part of the country. pixie took out the monkey in her, and i took out mine. mines not monkey, mines somewhat boring-er. then to vivo and p's aunt and unc was very kind to send me to q st for home. i just had to go home coz i missed my mother and sister.i left pixie in the wilderness.

again with the heavy packs, on and off the bus and i arrived. dad picked me up but while i waited for him, he drove passed by me and i waved like crazy but he still couldnt see. i ran with the heavy packs and saw few puckered faces. and finally dada stopped and he scolded me in the car as he said he had been around for half hour. i kept my mouth tight coz he was always right. and oh! i called dz once i reached local city like super immediately. i had trouble sleeping the night before coz i didnt get to talk to him to give out updates. kuning bangang. pphhbt.

as much as i wanted to sleep, still couldnt beat my yearning heart to see the new baby in noahs. i heard scary stories from bonda about what my sister went through before, during and after the delivery. but after hearing it from my sis's mouth, it was farmost the most dangerous act my sis had pulled.

lilo was already in pain from early in the morning and she still forced herself to work as she thought it wasnt time yet. she called my mom abt the pains and was not encouraged to cont the day at the office but she said 'im alright'. mi momma was worried sick and kept herself updated now and then. by evening, it has gotten worse but lilo told the baby to hold on. she managed to get home after that and told bonda. bonda tried to persuade lilo to drive herself to bonda's house but lilo push off the idea. so bonda called for aid. lindot medot, my first sister and hubby. they offered to sleep at lilo's house in case if anything they were there to help, and again lilo pushed them away saying ' im alright'. that time was almost 10pm. bonda was mad but nothing she could do but to God she yearned. then! at 1 in the morning the phone rang, and bonda picked up and she was half surprised when lilo was on the other line, and in great pain. bonda quickly ran to dapur and changed into a custom made costume with a B and an R and P on it(Bonda Rokeah Power)and made a call out to lindot medot. lilo arrived at the hospital 40 mins later with a contraction of 3cms. and the doctor took out a baby girl from her at 0415. i received an sms at 0600. and in between... my sister was having a nightmare of her life. the doctor intentionally forgot to jab her with painkiller and stitched her up while my sister was shouting in great distress. this was lilo's 3rd baby with the same doctor only this time without the husband. and she was surprised to see the rm3000 treatment she received. she asked the doctor why, and the nurse gave her a breathing aid with flying sensations kind of effect. she flew away when the doctor continued stitching 12 more. she had also went through lots more improper situations during her delivery which i wouldnt want to state it here. im all jiggy.

of all the sisters, lindot medot, pon and lilo, i love most lilo. and most of time i always thought she deserved better. earlier i told that she said to baby sara to hold on. i asked her why, she said that it wasnt time yet, not without her hubby. which her hubby went to kl right after the doctor said sara would make her debut on the 5th june, a day before lilo gave birth on 29th. lilo is strong headed, and brave but im mellow and i know that she was forced to be strong all alone.

billy tong, my brother is super bangang and he kept coming with bangang problems and with bangang conclusions that had made my parents buntu with his bangang-ness.

and lastly, the apple of my eyes, sofian. i and dz had bought sara with this cute cushy butterfly that comes with a pulling thing, when you pull it there will be music coming out of it ala lagu tido bayi. bunyi comel. lupa laa apa nama dia. but sofian he was too excited seeing it and declared it as his and brought to anywhere in the house and being all mushy with it. gerammmmmmmmmmmm. agagagagagag.

finally, i started my june with funtimes. and hope it will go on till end of it. i am in love and im keeping myself together, be my diamond and im in for forever. you know, you are.

'we are creatures of the wind.'

(whattalongone)(aintthemusicboxawesome.butmoreawesomeifitplaysallthewayandnoneedtobuffer)(imsleepyandiwannamakelovetomybedandpillows)

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

i'll be with you, madonna with you!

i have to forget how to be normal. and since im working on odd hours now, would be a bliss if i just ignore it. so..in order to make me ignore it, i provided some words for myself to think of something. the words are totally ear-picked, based on the music playing on the media.

1) who would dare
would you? being built with a concious mind and feets and eyes and ears and hands and tongue. i dare you to eat cockroaches. id say ur superb, but thick in the head.

2) clean your face with it
it is a thing, which you can wash off from your face. like.. embarassment, shame, unhappiness, annoyed, anger. it would really be a jolly goody if there is any . could really save up a lot of confidence especially on embarrassing moments..

3) memories fade, so did yours
get a diary. tell your bf. have a blog. call your bestfriends. take pictures. doodle it on your wall. scrape off some wood. make a song. cut your wrists. ouh.. these are for "not to fade". if you like it to fade, then let it fade.

:| hmm. guess these are not helping. and ouh, i just stepped on my earphones. the night is getting suckier every minute.

Monday, May 28, 2007

may issue of spotlight funks and junks

horra,

thats holla in japanise. and so, this is the month where i talked about the trip thingy and all the jolly gooly stuffs that i wanted to do.. those were screwed.

this is junk #1. i was very upset when i had to spend my annual leaves (during my bday) to something that i wasnt able to be all dodgy.

junk #2. i had a breakdown in the midst of may. i thought my life was at the end of road, and that i was not fit for anything in the world. i kept wishing i had superpowers so i could see my purpose of living. but that wish never came, and i still cant see whats my point.

junk #3. smart tunnel is not as smart as what they have been telling. and because of smart tunnel, our drools towards sundanese foods had to be postponed.

junk #4. warehouse sales. the stuffs they sell, were junks.

junk #5. i gotta to know that im not fit for any latest fashion. and that feeling sucks big time. i had the urge to splurge, but none was within my interest. mama memang bosan.

junk #6. my ps2!!! there was this one morning, the thunders thundered as if they have never thundered before. they were scary i had to hide under the blanket. an hour later, everything was alright.. but my ps2 didnt survive. 1/8 of me had died with it.

junk #7. would like to buy a wii, but scraping off 2/4 of gaji.. sucks sangat sucks!

junk #8. my room. every now and then, no matter how much i tried.

junk #9. my stay at jb was short. i wish i had the whole month to spend till im up for cyberjaya again.

#10. the people that i just got to know, and got to know them well.. now they're leaving.

#11. someone isnt gonna grad this year.

#12. missing french open

#13. i no longer have the hands and fingers for frets and strings. :|

okie.. the funks of the month now.

#1. though i didnt get to spend my time doing things that i planned for my birthday, my parents came and cook deliciously. i was very well fed during my 3 days stay with them. they werent really the celebrating type ( and they didnt even wish ), but i felt contentment at the end of it. family is always everything, remember that.

#2. baby sara came out on the 29th. she was so comel she hardly open her eyes but kept smiling most of times.

#3. my birthday and i became 23 with bubbles around. i got a handbag, and a bodyshop set that makes me a walking jasmine, a mug and awesome wishes from awesome caring ppl.

#4. dz brought me to a kiting activity. it was super duper awesome.. with the blue skies and the dawning sun.. i was almost dying.

#5. we had so much of sushis at kings and sakae, and prawns and trains and nasi ayam of bintang. we felt love tickled in our tummies.

#6. i finally get my guitar back after 3 years of lending.

#7. when the tv is sometimes all mine, as astro is not working and owning dvds is a true advantage.

#8. sofian.

#9. dz bought a bb gun too real i thought of killing myself.

#10. drove around an unser, i felt like a pregnant mother with kiddies at the back. isnt really a funk.. but the funk was where i imagined ramming almost everything that i saw. the car/van/confusedvehicle is huge with horns. horn not the honking horn, horns horns, as in mountain goat's horns.

#11. keren ann's lay your head down.

#12. crazy jolly dizzy.

#15. a trip to ipoh, honouring the newly wedded couple, fatih and erly.

#13. a trip back to jb with pixie.

#14. pelukan bonda dan ayahanda. and my mom's ramblings and my dad's theatrical acts.

i wish i could fly out for forever.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

YOU DID IT!

i feel so terer today.
this is due to this old man at the jaga booth, i think hes the new jaga coz i never saw him before. however... while i was walking to the office, he said something to me loudly from inside the booth.

" YOU DID IT! "
i was shocked laa kan. apa orang tua ni. then he continued
" lots of people tried to park at that parking spot, and they failed. but you did it! "

and i laughed together with him. and i humbly said... " nah its just the car..... "
he cut my sentence and said... " its more than just the car " he was really amused by my so called triumph... probably he'd seen too many cars tried to park at that parking spot, and they failed except me! hahaha.. dia belom tengok lagi baper banyak ruang parkir kecil yg saya sudah berjaya lakukan. tapi yg ini, memang rasa extra kagum sebab ada orang lain yg juga terasa kejayaannya, lebih2 lagi setelah ramai yg telah cuba tapi gagal. heh..

however, the big heads here are freaking flowers! but this particular one who sits like a huge potato with cream, is a painful jab to my butt cheeks. serious makcik emo. tapi yg lain2 pon makcik2 emo gak. yg sibuk kunyah sirih pon ada. tapi bila tanya soalan sikit je, menggelatat yang tidak bertentu arahnya. bosan bosan.

membosankan.

Sunday, April 29, 2007

coming to terms of old age

" I may well regret my inability to make preparations for my waning years but, looking back, I realize that things have generally turned out well, regardless of my actions. I seldom have had cause to regret anything. "

ungkapan kata yang cukup untuk mengatakan apa yang terdada.

well, my birthday is coming. and im thinking of having few plans on what i should do on that day. firstly, would of course travel to somewhere (this one is not yet confirmed, but im sure i will..we exactly).. secondly which would be merely impossible is,to do something thats out of this world! i have yet gave that a thought on what exactly i should do to make it out of this world! thirdly.... to embrace myself to coming to terms with being a year older. heh. bunyi mengada, but if you keep embracing your age, then you wouldnt really mind getting old. baik setiap tahun buat begitu, dari nnt tahu2 ada wrinkle baru kelam kabut nak letak antiwrinkles regenarate cream whatsoever cosmetos plastic surgeries +++. kan?

well, im sleepy. and i have to stay wide awake. and i will not get a raise until june. bosan. tido. byebye. sayonara.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

my mother

she is sweet, talented, and very giving. my mother is a treasure, she sew, she cooks deliciously, above all... she takes care of everything with her very rough but gentle hands with love. and because of that, she has made my father a rich man. yes, my dad did all the earnings, but my mother was so humble, she aided him with less demands. she could live with everything less, but she never did expect more. only, all that she could always hope for, is love and grace from the husband, her children, all her 8 children... that she had bore from her very beginning. now that she's 62, living in a big old house, with only her loving but estranged husband.. had told a story that made my heart gloom. she told with a voice so strong, but within those tones.. i knew that she was sad, and worried, dissapointed and bruised.

this is for all the sons,
should you love any other woman in your life, do not turn your back to the woman who had given you life. you are the child of which any parents would hope for you to care when they're growing old. i just hope that you would play your role as the leading being. i just hope that you won't hurt them. i just hope that, you being a son a good son. i just hope that you wont abandon them.

it saddens me knowing that all her sons failed to show her that they are her sons. my mother is not the other woman, nor the woman that they should care less. she had high hopes, but they have turned her down.

i feel sorry, i feel damned but im making amends. and i really hope that my parents will see the day im trying to plan. you kept saying about your last few years ahead.. but please dont go without my consent. im not yet ready. :(

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

my spectacle

i was surprised to see that the lens of my spectacle was dirty, cause i saw things clearly. so i cleaned it with a piece of tissue quite carefully. cant help but thinking, how important it is to me.
back in the school days, i wore it coz i wanted to look cool, to look just as same as my bestfriend. in order to do that, i tricked my parents, the optometrist, and asked my eyes to do that magic, that only me was able to do. make my vision blur.
my father was shocked to see the amount of shortsightedness of my eyes, he even brought me to an eye specialist at the hospital for consultation. still i succeeded in tricking everyone that i my eyes were really faulty.

after breaking up with the bestfriend, the coolness of wearing one had also went away. i was spectacle-free for quite number of years, only that one day i realized that my eyes were really getting a bit blur and dizzy although i didnt ask myself for that blurry vision. and so i went to the same optometrist who tested me before. He was shocked to see my vision had totally reduced from last time (coz i didnt use my blur ability). he was happy, even checked my eyes whether i had any scars, whether i have gone through a surgery. i went out from the shop with a new lens presciption. not shortsightedness but astigmatism.

how spectacle evolves around me?
it was only for basic use. because ur rabun, u wear it. but over years, it has become a huge part of me, a very important part of me. not only as the fixer to my eyes, but also a fixer to my broken soul. im not really broken la, but in a way of simply saying... yes. i have always have this low self esteem, all shy and ++... but with my spectacle on, i feel like it helps me to hid my eyes, to hide me, to not let me let out my true feelings, to let me express, to make me a little bit more confident and comfortable. its like wearing a sunglass, only transparent. something like that. there were also few times i wore contact lenses, especially the colorful ones. they boosted up a little more, with different effects of wearing, but much more hassle and tiring. so i still stick with the one that stucked on my ears with support of my nose.

Saturday, April 07, 2007

what should i do?

what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?

im waiting for 0045. hmmmmm.
cant wait to go shopping for my sister, as she just turned 33 on the 6th.