time of month

I hope nobody will call me from the office tomorrow.
I’m hoping to receive a call from the office that I’m applying job with tomorrow. It has been days and days now that I haven’t heard from them, but between the hopes… I know I’m not fit for it, also brings another meaning; give up. I was told to do a follow-up with them, but it’s better to assume. I didn’t apply for multiple jobs at a time and not getting to land on this one, a slap to my face.

…That I am among the thriving.

I am now listening to this one song. I don’t know whether I should say the song’s depressing, but it has tones of blue sky and green grass and you’re in a middle of nowhere. Surprisingly has the ability to make me blog. But I am not so in high spirits now.

I started my day feeling all muzzy, and I did my laundry, and I slept again for 20 minutes before I went for shower and to work. Weirdly I thought that if I didn’t have a stomach too sensitive as one of my superpowers ie: I can skip meals, and eat whatever I like ie- cute stuffs like bunny toys, I’d be grateful enough. Really. I was down again with gastricitylights which had made me dizzy and nauseous and disoriented up to (A) a point of where I didn’t mind if someone were to stab my head with nails many times, and my chest and die. I’d be thankful coz it would totally stop the unpleasantness of being sick and alive. No, I am not wishing to die young or to perform an act of suicide, but I can understand now how one decides to just jump and leave. It must have been too much to handle. Therefore, another view of suicide that must be accounted… is that they have so much courage and bravery to… you know. Jump and leave.

But rest assured that my mind is clear. Only sometimes, this chest does feel heavy, and the bad news is that lately, I am easily provoked and irritated. It is something not nice and sick and please go back to (A) above.

A question though; how can you live up with something so long, but only now you can’t live up with it anymore?
Supposedly, you should be like… stoned, seasoned, doomed, focused like nobody’s business, made for it forever, proses luluhawa sampai pecah batunya menjadi pasir, yeah? Thinking of it, it’s like… not fair when you decide to give up especially after so long.

I am one of them.
Almost… almost gave up.
But I couldn’t, coz of that thing about being doomed and the unfair part and things to take care of.

Basically however, I am going to give it up. I was on the verge of giving my job up but something just came around the corner. That whatever things crash down to my door, I only have myself to depend on. I mean, I cannot really rely on things that I heard and promised and assured by, especially if it involves so much of me. Its really disappointing, especially words made by people you love.

It’s a no wonder, that one can just walk away from the ones loved. It’s too hurtful to be kept hidden and forgotten. So, I understand.