everything is half

i wonder...

i just came back from a very long holiday almost like a month last month, i was forced to. its the company's regulation. it was awesome! and still i havent had the time to update those. :P i dont know what i did, but it was quite full.

still however, i get distracted pretty easy lately. i dont realise if i have been thinking, but what i do realise is that i worried about few lotsa things. its not much but it utilises every inch of my brain and never fail to faint my heart. ive been questioning. i have questions. i no longer know what i want.

questions ive been asking myself about me:
1) am i content?
2) why am i having sleeplees nights? what am i thinking?
3) what am i doing now?
3) have i fulfilled my youth to full?
4) what if?
5) is money everything?
6) if i were to just run, how is it that im going to live?
7) do i have a destination in life? what would that be?
8) am i worth it?
9) is everything else worth the effort?
10) havent i done enough?
11) am i doomed?
12) why do i worry too much!? gggrrr!
13) is he the one?
14) am i the one?
15) will he be with me always? will people be with me always?
16) do i always hurt?
17) do i care enough?
18) am i still fun?
19) is he crazy enough?
20) why the not happy thoughts open wider?
21) am i a coward?
22) am i asking for too much?
..) im tired.

hmm. i could almost answer all the questions, but i am only partially sure when i answer, but above all im just not sure what i want. i mean.. overally. im not shattered or unglued or confused or what ever it is i can think of.. just i wish.

i halfheartedly go to work. ive been staying for months and months almost a year now coz of the pay. its pays wonderful money. and wonderful days when u go and spend it. and i have left my degree for a year and i dont think i have all it takes to work up my degree. plus, i dont have the heart for that either. so im stucked. but i know i just have to be optimistic. still i feel im stucked. im a coward i guess.

the funny thing is that, ive been talking to thousands today and yet i feel like i havent changed a bit. i feel like im getting more private now. i see people, i see my friends every now and then, but i couldnt let myself to talk. i went blank, and i always thought that maybe my story is no drama and would bore them, but most of times i lost thoughts to tell. so what exactly? im never gonna get fat, too much energy been supplying my brain than to my flesh. :@