coming to terms of old age

" I may well regret my inability to make preparations for my waning years but, looking back, I realize that things have generally turned out well, regardless of my actions. I seldom have had cause to regret anything. "

ungkapan kata yang cukup untuk mengatakan apa yang terdada.

well, my birthday is coming. and im thinking of having few plans on what i should do on that day. firstly, would of course travel to somewhere (this one is not yet confirmed, but im sure i will..we exactly).. secondly which would be merely impossible is,to do something thats out of this world! i have yet gave that a thought on what exactly i should do to make it out of this world! thirdly.... to embrace myself to coming to terms with being a year older. heh. bunyi mengada, but if you keep embracing your age, then you wouldnt really mind getting old. baik setiap tahun buat begitu, dari nnt tahu2 ada wrinkle baru kelam kabut nak letak antiwrinkles regenarate cream whatsoever cosmetos plastic surgeries +++. kan?

well, im sleepy. and i have to stay wide awake. and i will not get a raise until june. bosan. tido. byebye. sayonara.

my mother

she is sweet, talented, and very giving. my mother is a treasure, she sew, she cooks deliciously, above all... she takes care of everything with her very rough but gentle hands with love. and because of that, she has made my father a rich man. yes, my dad did all the earnings, but my mother was so humble, she aided him with less demands. she could live with everything less, but she never did expect more. only, all that she could always hope for, is love and grace from the husband, her children, all her 8 children... that she had bore from her very beginning. now that she's 62, living in a big old house, with only her loving but estranged husband.. had told a story that made my heart gloom. she told with a voice so strong, but within those tones.. i knew that she was sad, and worried, dissapointed and bruised.

this is for all the sons,
should you love any other woman in your life, do not turn your back to the woman who had given you life. you are the child of which any parents would hope for you to care when they're growing old. i just hope that you would play your role as the leading being. i just hope that you won't hurt them. i just hope that, you being a son a good son. i just hope that you wont abandon them.

it saddens me knowing that all her sons failed to show her that they are her sons. my mother is not the other woman, nor the woman that they should care less. she had high hopes, but they have turned her down.

i feel sorry, i feel damned but im making amends. and i really hope that my parents will see the day im trying to plan. you kept saying about your last few years ahead.. but please dont go without my consent. im not yet ready. :(

my spectacle

i was surprised to see that the lens of my spectacle was dirty, cause i saw things clearly. so i cleaned it with a piece of tissue quite carefully. cant help but thinking, how important it is to me.
back in the school days, i wore it coz i wanted to look cool, to look just as same as my bestfriend. in order to do that, i tricked my parents, the optometrist, and asked my eyes to do that magic, that only me was able to do. make my vision blur.
my father was shocked to see the amount of shortsightedness of my eyes, he even brought me to an eye specialist at the hospital for consultation. still i succeeded in tricking everyone that i my eyes were really faulty.

after breaking up with the bestfriend, the coolness of wearing one had also went away. i was spectacle-free for quite number of years, only that one day i realized that my eyes were really getting a bit blur and dizzy although i didnt ask myself for that blurry vision. and so i went to the same optometrist who tested me before. He was shocked to see my vision had totally reduced from last time (coz i didnt use my blur ability). he was happy, even checked my eyes whether i had any scars, whether i have gone through a surgery. i went out from the shop with a new lens presciption. not shortsightedness but astigmatism.

how spectacle evolves around me?
it was only for basic use. because ur rabun, u wear it. but over years, it has become a huge part of me, a very important part of me. not only as the fixer to my eyes, but also a fixer to my broken soul. im not really broken la, but in a way of simply saying... yes. i have always have this low self esteem, all shy and ++... but with my spectacle on, i feel like it helps me to hid my eyes, to hide me, to not let me let out my true feelings, to let me express, to make me a little bit more confident and comfortable. its like wearing a sunglass, only transparent. something like that. there were also few times i wore contact lenses, especially the colorful ones. they boosted up a little more, with different effects of wearing, but much more hassle and tiring. so i still stick with the one that stucked on my ears with support of my nose.

what should i do?

what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?

im waiting for 0045. hmmmmm.
cant wait to go shopping for my sister, as she just turned 33 on the 6th.

hang me up to dry

im in the office now, at 1156 pm. nothing comes in, so im practically bored, but am having fun being all bored. :P plus, im listening to this online radio KEXP in which i get to hear kings of convenience cayman island live version. it was super lovely. it brought me to a little mind vacation. somwhere with blue waves and white sands. typical tak.. tapi lagu tu memang citer pasal pulau pon. sangat nyaman.

okie.. goodnight.
ouh the other day i read my sis's blog, and it was super sad. plus she's pregnant, and in her blog she put something like

" this baby in the tummy, it felt like a big old drum, unwanted... unprotected. im sorry. please understand me. your mother "

from her blog, i didnt know that she was in so much pressure. she did mention to me once, but i didnt think it was this serious. until i read her thoughts. during one of our convy, she kept saying that she'd like to go somewhere far.. and free. and of course laa id say JOM. but she'd always reply with.... ' hermmmmm '.

i guess that would be any mother's dilemma. or wife. i dont know what that could possibly help her to forget about her sad thought, probably she just need someone to talk to. plus with her husband away and all... makes her situation even difficult. and im just so lack of experience to be the shoulder.

:(