may issue of spotlight funks and junks

horra,

thats holla in japanise. and so, this is the month where i talked about the trip thingy and all the jolly gooly stuffs that i wanted to do.. those were screwed.

this is junk #1. i was very upset when i had to spend my annual leaves (during my bday) to something that i wasnt able to be all dodgy.

junk #2. i had a breakdown in the midst of may. i thought my life was at the end of road, and that i was not fit for anything in the world. i kept wishing i had superpowers so i could see my purpose of living. but that wish never came, and i still cant see whats my point.

junk #3. smart tunnel is not as smart as what they have been telling. and because of smart tunnel, our drools towards sundanese foods had to be postponed.

junk #4. warehouse sales. the stuffs they sell, were junks.

junk #5. i gotta to know that im not fit for any latest fashion. and that feeling sucks big time. i had the urge to splurge, but none was within my interest. mama memang bosan.

junk #6. my ps2!!! there was this one morning, the thunders thundered as if they have never thundered before. they were scary i had to hide under the blanket. an hour later, everything was alright.. but my ps2 didnt survive. 1/8 of me had died with it.

junk #7. would like to buy a wii, but scraping off 2/4 of gaji.. sucks sangat sucks!

junk #8. my room. every now and then, no matter how much i tried.

junk #9. my stay at jb was short. i wish i had the whole month to spend till im up for cyberjaya again.

#10. the people that i just got to know, and got to know them well.. now they're leaving.

#11. someone isnt gonna grad this year.

#12. missing french open

#13. i no longer have the hands and fingers for frets and strings. :|

okie.. the funks of the month now.

#1. though i didnt get to spend my time doing things that i planned for my birthday, my parents came and cook deliciously. i was very well fed during my 3 days stay with them. they werent really the celebrating type ( and they didnt even wish ), but i felt contentment at the end of it. family is always everything, remember that.

#2. baby sara came out on the 29th. she was so comel she hardly open her eyes but kept smiling most of times.

#3. my birthday and i became 23 with bubbles around. i got a handbag, and a bodyshop set that makes me a walking jasmine, a mug and awesome wishes from awesome caring ppl.

#4. dz brought me to a kiting activity. it was super duper awesome.. with the blue skies and the dawning sun.. i was almost dying.

#5. we had so much of sushis at kings and sakae, and prawns and trains and nasi ayam of bintang. we felt love tickled in our tummies.

#6. i finally get my guitar back after 3 years of lending.

#7. when the tv is sometimes all mine, as astro is not working and owning dvds is a true advantage.

#8. sofian.

#9. dz bought a bb gun too real i thought of killing myself.

#10. drove around an unser, i felt like a pregnant mother with kiddies at the back. isnt really a funk.. but the funk was where i imagined ramming almost everything that i saw. the car/van/confusedvehicle is huge with horns. horn not the honking horn, horns horns, as in mountain goat's horns.

#11. keren ann's lay your head down.

#12. crazy jolly dizzy.

#15. a trip to ipoh, honouring the newly wedded couple, fatih and erly.

#13. a trip back to jb with pixie.

#14. pelukan bonda dan ayahanda. and my mom's ramblings and my dad's theatrical acts.

i wish i could fly out for forever.

YOU DID IT!

i feel so terer today.
this is due to this old man at the jaga booth, i think hes the new jaga coz i never saw him before. however... while i was walking to the office, he said something to me loudly from inside the booth.

" YOU DID IT! "
i was shocked laa kan. apa orang tua ni. then he continued
" lots of people tried to park at that parking spot, and they failed. but you did it! "

and i laughed together with him. and i humbly said... " nah its just the car..... "
he cut my sentence and said... " its more than just the car " he was really amused by my so called triumph... probably he'd seen too many cars tried to park at that parking spot, and they failed except me! hahaha.. dia belom tengok lagi baper banyak ruang parkir kecil yg saya sudah berjaya lakukan. tapi yg ini, memang rasa extra kagum sebab ada orang lain yg juga terasa kejayaannya, lebih2 lagi setelah ramai yg telah cuba tapi gagal. heh..

however, the big heads here are freaking flowers! but this particular one who sits like a huge potato with cream, is a painful jab to my butt cheeks. serious makcik emo. tapi yg lain2 pon makcik2 emo gak. yg sibuk kunyah sirih pon ada. tapi bila tanya soalan sikit je, menggelatat yang tidak bertentu arahnya. bosan bosan.

membosankan.

coming to terms of old age

" I may well regret my inability to make preparations for my waning years but, looking back, I realize that things have generally turned out well, regardless of my actions. I seldom have had cause to regret anything. "

ungkapan kata yang cukup untuk mengatakan apa yang terdada.

well, my birthday is coming. and im thinking of having few plans on what i should do on that day. firstly, would of course travel to somewhere (this one is not yet confirmed, but im sure i will..we exactly).. secondly which would be merely impossible is,to do something thats out of this world! i have yet gave that a thought on what exactly i should do to make it out of this world! thirdly.... to embrace myself to coming to terms with being a year older. heh. bunyi mengada, but if you keep embracing your age, then you wouldnt really mind getting old. baik setiap tahun buat begitu, dari nnt tahu2 ada wrinkle baru kelam kabut nak letak antiwrinkles regenarate cream whatsoever cosmetos plastic surgeries +++. kan?

well, im sleepy. and i have to stay wide awake. and i will not get a raise until june. bosan. tido. byebye. sayonara.

my mother

she is sweet, talented, and very giving. my mother is a treasure, she sew, she cooks deliciously, above all... she takes care of everything with her very rough but gentle hands with love. and because of that, she has made my father a rich man. yes, my dad did all the earnings, but my mother was so humble, she aided him with less demands. she could live with everything less, but she never did expect more. only, all that she could always hope for, is love and grace from the husband, her children, all her 8 children... that she had bore from her very beginning. now that she's 62, living in a big old house, with only her loving but estranged husband.. had told a story that made my heart gloom. she told with a voice so strong, but within those tones.. i knew that she was sad, and worried, dissapointed and bruised.

this is for all the sons,
should you love any other woman in your life, do not turn your back to the woman who had given you life. you are the child of which any parents would hope for you to care when they're growing old. i just hope that you would play your role as the leading being. i just hope that you won't hurt them. i just hope that, you being a son a good son. i just hope that you wont abandon them.

it saddens me knowing that all her sons failed to show her that they are her sons. my mother is not the other woman, nor the woman that they should care less. she had high hopes, but they have turned her down.

i feel sorry, i feel damned but im making amends. and i really hope that my parents will see the day im trying to plan. you kept saying about your last few years ahead.. but please dont go without my consent. im not yet ready. :(

my spectacle

i was surprised to see that the lens of my spectacle was dirty, cause i saw things clearly. so i cleaned it with a piece of tissue quite carefully. cant help but thinking, how important it is to me.
back in the school days, i wore it coz i wanted to look cool, to look just as same as my bestfriend. in order to do that, i tricked my parents, the optometrist, and asked my eyes to do that magic, that only me was able to do. make my vision blur.
my father was shocked to see the amount of shortsightedness of my eyes, he even brought me to an eye specialist at the hospital for consultation. still i succeeded in tricking everyone that i my eyes were really faulty.

after breaking up with the bestfriend, the coolness of wearing one had also went away. i was spectacle-free for quite number of years, only that one day i realized that my eyes were really getting a bit blur and dizzy although i didnt ask myself for that blurry vision. and so i went to the same optometrist who tested me before. He was shocked to see my vision had totally reduced from last time (coz i didnt use my blur ability). he was happy, even checked my eyes whether i had any scars, whether i have gone through a surgery. i went out from the shop with a new lens presciption. not shortsightedness but astigmatism.

how spectacle evolves around me?
it was only for basic use. because ur rabun, u wear it. but over years, it has become a huge part of me, a very important part of me. not only as the fixer to my eyes, but also a fixer to my broken soul. im not really broken la, but in a way of simply saying... yes. i have always have this low self esteem, all shy and ++... but with my spectacle on, i feel like it helps me to hid my eyes, to hide me, to not let me let out my true feelings, to let me express, to make me a little bit more confident and comfortable. its like wearing a sunglass, only transparent. something like that. there were also few times i wore contact lenses, especially the colorful ones. they boosted up a little more, with different effects of wearing, but much more hassle and tiring. so i still stick with the one that stucked on my ears with support of my nose.

what should i do?

what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?what should i do?

im waiting for 0045. hmmmmm.
cant wait to go shopping for my sister, as she just turned 33 on the 6th.

hang me up to dry

im in the office now, at 1156 pm. nothing comes in, so im practically bored, but am having fun being all bored. :P plus, im listening to this online radio KEXP in which i get to hear kings of convenience cayman island live version. it was super lovely. it brought me to a little mind vacation. somwhere with blue waves and white sands. typical tak.. tapi lagu tu memang citer pasal pulau pon. sangat nyaman.

okie.. goodnight.
ouh the other day i read my sis's blog, and it was super sad. plus she's pregnant, and in her blog she put something like

" this baby in the tummy, it felt like a big old drum, unwanted... unprotected. im sorry. please understand me. your mother "

from her blog, i didnt know that she was in so much pressure. she did mention to me once, but i didnt think it was this serious. until i read her thoughts. during one of our convy, she kept saying that she'd like to go somewhere far.. and free. and of course laa id say JOM. but she'd always reply with.... ' hermmmmm '.

i guess that would be any mother's dilemma. or wife. i dont know what that could possibly help her to forget about her sad thought, probably she just need someone to talk to. plus with her husband away and all... makes her situation even difficult. and im just so lack of experience to be the shoulder.

:(

the end is here

february is ending. as well as other things, but some things have already ended... and despite everything, its only february that's ending, and what is never is only life.

things that stopped/ended before february's month end:
1) the marker...stopped at 15th, marking my 4th year of involvement
2) my anticipation to watch muse
3) muse concert (which was totally jolly awesome)
4) the movie 'the holiday' which i wanted to watch at the cinema but didnt get to
5) the oc : which ended unexpectedly dissapointing
6) kimi wa petto : the j-drama that got me addicted, and i was excited imagining having a human pet. jgn pikir lain pulak kau. thanks to ayin!
7) my excitement to go to work.
8) ouh iya... i have stopped visiting the gym! pphhbt. not stop la.. delay.
9) my monthly need to go shopping. it is forced to stop as money isnt really like air di pili.
10)the pink hippo thingy that sucked in humidity
11)festive season (which means stucked in jam on tolld highways... are back)

i cannot think of other things anymore. im sleepy.

shoot it out with a squish of a corn

hey

lets move out to somewhere, only you and me... grow corns and tulips, and when its ripe and pretty, we pluck it out and sell em. if none were sold, we could just inhale the fresh scent of flowers and squish the water out from the corn while enjoying.

certainly living in the city has made us all much less decent. suppose to be civilized country to have much more civilized citizen, however due to civilization, especially when we're in a very rapid development of wealth... the quality of being polite and respectable seems dimming. not that i dont understand... its just that life is getting heavier with age, coupled with lesser you care about the ppl around you. and when i am in this circle, cant help but thinking how much i wanted to live life as simply as could. why? because city people are busy and careless, and u're being pulled in just to do the same, that or you will just finish last. racing to be above others is hardwork, but all the kiasu and ego to win... is heart attack.

anyhow, we attempted to go to the eye on malaysia but we were kinda lost and went a merry-go-round trip around kl, after almost an hour finding the place and got stucked in few jams, we werent the only ones who were eager to have our eyes on those ferris wheels. there were so many cars queuing so we gave up. hihi, and i and mr.d ended up enjoying our big dinner at the mcdonalds. you're one funny guy so i said ferris wheels can wait.

lastly and whatever, let yourself let go. and im falling deeper but not apart.

mika - happy ending

one cheesy song but kinda nice.

biarkan diri biar pergi

bila masuk malam je, beginilah sunyinya. kadang-kadang boleh kedengaran bunyi kapalterbang lalu. lagilah amat kedengaran kalau kesunyian itu memang sudah menyelubung diri, bersekali pula dengan fikiran yang memang tengah fikirkan pasal 'sunyi'.takde lah terfikir sunyi bagai kosong. cuma memang fikirkan pasal sunyi je. bunyi kipas pusing. bunyi kipas komputer. detik jarum dijam. kadang-kadang bunyi televisyen di bawah. tapi sekarang memang tengah malas untuk dengar musik, alasannya mungkin sebab takde music yang dapat menyelinap masuk dengan perasaan.

baru je tadi berbual dengan rakan, ada terbuka topik di mana kadangkala kita boleh berasa perasaan yang kita anggap seseorang tu tak berterima kasih. jika nak fikirkan lebih mendalam, rasanya antara kita semua... pastinya ada berlaku satu reaksi yang tidak sengaja tapi mencetuskan anggapan sedemikian. tak dapat nak elak, tapi sekurang-kurangnya cuba untuk mempelajari. saya sendiri pon, masih terpinga, buntu dengan yang ini ' nila setitik, habes susu sebelanga '. ouh, bende ini memang rasanya paling banyaklah dalam buku rekod saya. jika saya mula nak duduk berkira dengan segala apa yang saya fitrahkan untuk orang lain... memang penutupkatanya akan mencatat ' dipergunakan ', tapi waktu-waktu indah, selalu saja mengendahkan. hmph, walaubagaimanapon, bila ada satu saje kesilapan....habes tumpahkan saja. tapi jika untuk saya duduk mengira berapa banyakkah saya buat aksi tidak berterima kasih kepada orang lain, sememangnya bukan boleh dikira dengan jari sendiri...tetapi sedaya upaya saya tak mahu membibitkan lagi perasaan ' dipergunakan ' terbibit pada perasaan orang lain. sesungguhnya, saya tidak akan memberikan diri saya untuk dipergunakan atau menggunakan. saya akan sentiasa membuat apa yg perlu untuk tidak membiarkan kerana satu, yang lain-lainnya hancur.

dan kerana itu, saya membiarkan diri untuk biarkan pergi.

supreme state of mind

hi

time really really really went off swiftly. the feelings of knowing about it are somewhat smeary... but however, what was fixed and memorized by the mind were all nothing but agreeable and pleasant and awesome sometimes.

what inspires me today to type in something in this boring blog is because..well maybe because im being reminded by this character in 'stranger than fiction' and i realized that.. hey it has been a while since the last time i blurted out about my life and today, this moment im doing just that and then fictionalize it to be like any one of the writing or storytelling genres. not that i want to fictionalize it of course, but sometimes, from the blogs that i read and following em.. it occurs to me that, mmmmaybe some parts of the story that was typed in by them was somewhat being told in a very imaginative way.... like how every writers write. they make out from something real, but they write a fictional version of it. rightt? alright im blabbing.

how is life for me?
life has been treating me very well as long as i treat my life well. there were few changes but not major changes tho, but changes that changes, you know.. but most of the times were the opposing changes, but what changes that does not oppose your standing position.... kan? okay pening.. well whatever the changes were, i managed to went through it, play along with it was actually the most effective way to get rid of em. and i have the ones to back me up..and i tend to love that when changes happens. hihi but minor changes dont aeffect much.

other things in a very briefly way of telling:

1) my house is okay, despite the banjir and everything going around... thank you Almighty
2) im dating again.. on a regular basissssssssss.
3) i have a stalker. a woman stalker!
4) i cannot wait to slip into 4 new tops from vs and show it off to _ _ _ _ _ :D
5) i taught suffian how to shake hands and give out a high five! and pronouncing ' carrrr ' and understanding what that was
6) bonda wants me to get married early.. uuuu
7) ouh! we purchased muse concert ticket!!!!
8 ) i am now going live!!

that'd be all for today and god knows when will be the next.
have a good day.

aching jantung here and there

i love the smell of her hair.

anyway.. my house was fine. turned out that my dad was excitingly overstating things. but it was cute. hihi.

i think my sister-in-law has already been poked. hihi... but i failed to conclude during my observation to support. this was a case study.

the wedding was tiring.. plus the journey back from hometown. it was awesome! especially sufian! he's walking now after too many failed attempts to crawl.

i went shopping for dvds in jb. but not that many. i watched 3 movies at home wif fam, and will watch 3 more here. maybe ill watch em during the new year weekend. and call in someone that id love to spend the evening with.. sofa + movies, kinda tempting. new year crowds and all those... arrrr, maybe.. but i crave more for something more close and cozy this year.

ouh ouh!!!!! i finally finally really own my own credit cards. 2 credit cards! ehem ehem. but i guess i will be poorer in no time. my first transaction was at the lingerie store. ouh! it was self indulgence nothing more.

oopsie daisy! the end of year is near. very near and i cannot help thinking how fast time had been passing. was it me being ignorant? well im sorry, things were really tight... yeah maybe i have.

someone is coming to sweep me off. soon.

id like to tell stories about my 2006. but time is now.. is not for me. maybe later.

im missing a few people at the moment.

things are weird now.
i am no longer a mad person.
trying at best not to be angry at all.

life is fine for now.
going out in between the air that blows.

hello?