to & fro

hello.

i just had my surgery and i am now on a recovery phase. nothing serious anyway :P but yeah it was a total new experience for me. i had it all written in my diary, so i kinda am not in the mood of typing it all again here. this will be edited anyway. if my heart comes to pour it all out.

however, my biggest heart goes to the people who had shown love and care especially ayin, and dizzy and alia. and dar, dar's sister, munirah, harry, shah, zainal, suhaimi, amjad, zamri and nani. i mean, i dont mind if you guys didnt show up at all... but having you there was a blast. and ouh, to those who have also wished me well. it was a moment of my life.

ouh. i stayed at the hospital for only a night.. a restless one i must say. and i dint tell any of my family members up until hours before the surgery. :P . they went mad, but i had my reasons explained. and they were like.. ' ye elleh... '. i just dont want em to worry, especially when that was a super minor. so yeah.

and its not just me in a recovery. you know, me and dizzy is now on our 5th year. we went through rocky moments and still made it. just only... i wanna believe that things between us will be bridged forever if we believe that communication and honesty plays the biggest part. so yeah.

i still have hopes. only that i wanna make my hope to be realized. and that wont come to a realization if im playing it out alone.

.. double dots.

anaesthetize me

till you are returned.

So I have scheduled the date for the extraction of the lump, the funny thing about scheduling with the doctor’s PA the other day was that.. she wanted me to opt for ‘being conscious and awake during the surgery’. On that second, I didn’t mind coz firstly, I don’t want to be admitted, and the cost might be cheaper, and experience where! half of my body will be numbed, doktor juling tgk tetek saya, ouh! see if there were any similarities with what I saw on tv.. and prolly coz I thot I would be in love with myself more, you know seeing things with your bare eyes. at the same time, Mun was there with me.. and she was terrified hearing that, and especially after I said I didn’t mind. She thought it was just crazy and horrifying to see the doctor performing the surgical procedures, and the sounds, the lights..pphbt! only then I got to realize… whutta F was I thinking?

Please do let me brag.

The PA aka My Girl (as called by my Dr. H) told me that both were just the same. Only that if I opt anesthetics, I will have to stay a night in the hospital, but if I go for for the other one, I can just walk home on the same day (see how minor it is :P). but.. mun changed my mind, and I told PA I didn’t think I could do anything while Dr. H perform. Hihi. So yeah! I was always healthy; I had never been to hospital because of myself. It’s pretty scary. You know, the other day I went there… its just sickening to see sick people. Pphbt. Surprisingly, I once had the idea to probably do another degree .. say nursing. But, that visit had totally completely changed my perspective. Im just not as strong. I don’t have that much courage. But nurses can fling around with the doctors?

Mihihi.

Ouh. I had a tough January I must say. What a start for a new year. Im not complaining but, I just wished that I have some kind of an escapade… just a short while I don’t mind; as long as I get to run as far from this world of responsibilities and work and sickness. And I kinda erm… been having feelings that my mom would probably go this year.

I’m no work of miracle, every now and then I do hope that The Almighty will still give her time to let me show her enough love.

So yeah.
Greet me well 2008.

err. my date with Dr H will be on the 20th. im going to spend a night.
anaesthetize me till ur returned.

me hope for..

i kinda miss my old cluster with bunch of cool people. now that ive moved to a new one with a new bunch of people.. cant help but feeling how terribly i am missing my old one. hehe although we are not that far apart (like only few steps away), still! although not that far apart, the environment make things more complicated.

so.. how am i doing?
im doing fine, just alil bit faint and faded.
and that i dont know what to expect about the checkup tomorrow. i told dizzy that i thought of the worst, he said i was a pessimist. but i replied with Ifs prepares me for when.. so i wouldnt be that sad if its true..and that if its nothing.. totally jolly about it. he still said i was a pessimist. and i think.. whoever has that positive waves running in and out of their minds, is totally out of this world.

yeah. im a lil dizzy here now. ive never really been to a specialist for something that looks serious. so this kinda gimme shivers to the bone.

im giving names to my lumps. the right one would be lola, and the lefty is loli.
merepek. so in a way, im giving names to my boobs.

so let the sunshine, let it come.. to show me that tomorrow is eventual, which i only know it when the day is done.

miow.

do you think it will work out wrong?

i went to see the doctor, and get my breasts checked out. it was really embarrassing.. and she didnt say much though about the lumps. i noticed one, but she noticed 2 on both sides... and she drew my boobies on her cool computer/tablet (i dont knwo what they call it). and i was like.. 'wow..ur drawing my boobies" and she replied.. 'ouh yeah.. i dont really write'. :P

and she referred me to the surgical department (wha??)for a further thorough check-up at DSH.
sounds agonizing.. but yeah.. kinda. a lil. and since i was on off day, i just straight away went there and scheduled for a consultation on coming monday with a guy doctor! got meself an MC! so yeah.

i dont know if im feeling worried, but... its just kinda sad. i dont know what im sad about, but prolly im just sad coz i was just planning and about to get my life straight, and this kinda shove me off a little out of the way. although i know this is going to be nothing, but i guess i will have to stall some of my plans.

but im still going to get my shades powerlensed or whatsoever.

im feeling cold.

i am still in love with rachael yamagata.
and im anticipating for her latest album, which i dont know when shes going to release em!

urgh!

and i bumped into one of her songs 'what if i leave' which she was singing live on kcrw.. and... breathtaking.

' You were gone that day, so you may have missed my goodbye '.

seperti biasa, lagu mellow.

to the doctor

i must go.

lump, as i certainly know is in my booby.. it has been there since quite few years and only now i have got to find out what purpose that lump is serving to my booby (definitely not making my boob bigger).

so yeah, i hope its nothing. yeah its nothing.
but there are few circles that i know that they had actually succesfully removed lumps on their boobs.. afraid that it might be cancerous. heh...

im going to get my breast examined! woot!

explosions in the sky

hello,

this is the new year! and i have no new resolution except for the one i made with dizzy, one with making myself fat. im on my way through that, and besides eating junks at work, i opted for cakes and kebabs and juices and suppers. get fat the healthy way.

about 2007, i have maybe accomplished so much last year, with me being able to go for a holiday and jolly good time travelling, meet new people and with new babies in noah, and ive worked the whole year thru 2007 (gila!), concerts and nadal... and shopped my heart out although not as much but still... above all, im just surprised that in some ways.. i am able to stand on my own two feet. i am now can be called independent. however, i just dont think ive grown any mature.. from last 2 years. nah i dont think so. but i believe, with what i have gone through.. had really taught me alot, and those are ones that i cant really explain or define and interpret. somehwre i know.

and.. the hardworks and depressions and dizziness whatsoever, i still had my fair share of happiness. despite all that, i am still in love with the world. and you.. you know you. thank you for always stand still with me. i wouldnt be able to be i am now without u. and im requesting for you to always still, in years to come.

2008. head on, im ready!
ouh.. add on to my what to do this year.. i have got to take control of my life!

in love i am

you know, this is something forbidden to tell, and you must you must not tell anyone about this.

i fell in love with another guy. he made me forget about my partner although he's just beside me. looking at him all sweaty and tired and with full of determination, he had totally made my heart melt. tall with strong arms, sexy ass.. and that long hair.. and urgh! my fantasy kinda guy.. :P

so who is he? no other than rafael nadal! yet another dream has come true, coz mr dizzy made it real! and for that... i love my partner moreeee! it was a total adrenaline seeing the game. ive always wanted to watch tennis matches live, the big ones like..wimbledon or the french open.. but although this one aint that much, but it means a lot..damn lot coz i gotta see pro players play! hes 2nd, federer's 1st. federer is playing tomorrow, but since im working, so that has strickened me from going. but i don mind, it was more thrilling to see young bloods play. urrghhh! i love you! you know you!!

but nadal really did made me forget about dizzy. :P
mmuahs!!!!!

next would be james morisson! i wanna see him!
coz you gimme.. something.. lalalalalal!

inhalee!!!!

exhale!!!!

**yawn**

today with a taurus and a new baby in noahs!

The Bottom Line
It takes time to figure things out, but you are standing on a firm foundation now.

In Detail
Is there any such thing as 'normal'? And if there was, would you want to be it? Of course not! More than ever, you cherish your unique qualities as well as the uniqueness of your friends. Today is a great day to socialize and celebrate your diversity -- or at least organize your next social extravaganza. It goes without saying that you should avoid the same old activities and seek out something a little bit edgier. An outrageous day trip could be the perfect thing.

hihi, im with my parents now and they come from far...so i guess im gonna skip the social day today. besides, just last wednesday i went out back to back with ppl, plus dah botak dah berbelanja. next one i intend to just spend it wif dizzy. and there is a thing called normal, and im already it. and i dont mind. tats a unique part of me. i love being normal. only sometimes i crave for something more. but tats so normal.

well, social has a new meaning for the cyber world. :P
i pasted the horoscope from fs, and i think its a scam. almost everyday tat i read, it will promote social activities, go out yadaa yadaa. its like another way of saying.. hey, tats why we're here. find somebody and do something. tapi sangat memang la kan. pphhbt.

yeah.

taurus's forever love match isssss virgo. you know you! yeah you!
then capricorn. ive come acrossed these people, and i could fall for them.
then come cancer which i dont think ive ever met any cancer. if any, surely theyre cancerous. pisces yeah boleh kira jari (ones that i care enugh to know)... but dont entirely get me, or i dont entirely get them. the rest.. is a match made in hell. :P but for everything everything other than love, taurus is the perfect match for all stars. not me, some junkefunke webbie stated tat.

im a gem u know. u too i know. :)

* purple tentacle, you plant this idea. and im growing them!

latest: buntal's wife just gave birth to baby hadif safuan. hihi. so its like my 11th, and its no longer a surprise :P . i heard that she was in so much pain way before the actual birth. tats coz shes fat. really. she was so fat ppl wouldnt notice tat she was pregnant. im not joking, and i dont hate her eithr in case if ur getting there. im just stating the fact. and the gynae already told her if she didnt jaga makan, she will be having complications. and i guess tat was wat happened.

okie.

" im worth the world "

ive googled about armani code. and i read about comments about that parfum, and one of those comments was that... " that perfume makes me like im worth the world ". nicely put huh!

i went out with ruth to mv and i bought one, but before i googled them of course.. burghs!! ive tried the 0.7fl oz sample and i fell in love, and my other perfume has gone missing.. so i was perfumeless ( altho there are 2 others both awefully bungawan.. which is not me to be bungawan cinta lestari :P ). agak mahal jugakla, plus buying one wasn't even on my first things first list. im that impsulsive pimpulsiva. tsk!

anyway, ive googled about it coz i was curious.. what type of women that buy this kinda perfume and see whether we have any connections... coz i certainly like it, and ive tried to compare with other perfumes on that parfum shop but nothing comes like this one (paris hilton's was nice.. but paris hilton?? i knew some ppl who already wear em..) back to the main main.. the women.. i couldn't conclude what type of women they were. but most of all of all, they love it coz that perfume is catchy. caught lotsa attentions yadaa yadaa. i was actually hoping to see that erm.. the femmes were.. mysterious. but i guess not really.. coz they were happily happily happy commented about the perfume. see what i mean? hmm..funny coz id like to think myself as one, mysterious. :P and if i were to comment.. and to make it sound mysterious.. id put.. " the smell is dark... but yet flashes flashes, turns heads and thunders.. " ngada je.

also, i got my lens replaced. i was shocked to see that my rabunness has incresead from 0.25 - 1.20 ? ? in less than a year. the lens costs me a lot too. tapi at least dia ada dalam list utamakan bende utama. another thing to worry about. i cant let my eyes pergi lagi rabun. i feel like.. ive sinned.. and that God is taking it away bit by bit. that is of course religiously speaking ( you know what they say about bad things ). but ill take the scientific reasons just to be realistic. and less scary.

and ouh, i uploaded marketa's song. its nice.. daringly dark duck.
the song's sad. and i like sad songs. sad songs makes me feel theyre feeling really sad when they make sad songs. dont you think so? coz i feel like.. it takes a lot to make something and to sound sincerely something. but so far, the saddest singer songwriter ever.. would be rachael yamagata. she topples everyone. for now.

PLUS! dont forget to read about this fashion tip. dz gave the link to me for fun reading. and yeah it kinda make sense. :P pergi sini! hints: red lipsticks / cool hat / catchy tee wordings / vagEYEna.

" if you want me, satisfy me "

** shit its already november! **

work and social responsibility

?

i miss marissa cooper.
i wanna go home.

its 2 separate stories.
dont get all mixed.
im just tired.

buat apa huh??

ive been stalking other ppl's friendster! bosan kann.
but not just some people. mostly are my long lost friends, and just wanna hear lil updates from them.

ive brought along dvds for me to watch. but i havent got the hinch to see. ouh ouh. hinch is not an english word (kot). just tat i felt right typing it and suiting it with the sentence.

nak kench.

and errr..

"If someone you care about is being unrealistic about things, you have to tell them."

what if im the one being unrealistic? whos gonna temme?????

how often do you find the right person?

once

no matter how many you have in mind. only one topping others. ke ? ?? kan kan?
really. i mean, if you're thinking about ex bfs, and the current one.. of course u'd think the right person is the current one. and chances that u think how often.. it would be once. unless of course if you're being dumped and you wishfully still think that he's the right one for you, altho now ur with somebody else.. then its still once then...kan? im talking in circles. but yeah, right person can only be found once.



one of the songs..

so.. once. its a movie that i saw with dizzy. ive been waiting for that movie to show up on kedai ahpek, and i was obviously happy to see my anticipation was finally being rewarded by giving away rm5 and a movie in return with a good storyline. that movie, as per stated.. is a modern day musical ( way better to compare to hairspray.. ). the songs that were sang in the movie were super nice (im now looking to buy for the original ost.. ala ala devics, damien rice), and of course about that right person. it was nice. really nice. kinda make me inspired to make music. to make songs. about people who have given me so much experiences. with basic chords but with melodious tones.

hihi.. talking bout this, just now we were playing with the guitar. playing with only one note as a kickstart, we have to look for as many melodies we can get. its not as easy, but at least we got to know that its not about the technicals that matters.. its how creative you can be to play around it.


this is the ice mocha somone bungkus it for me. aww.

ive been out. and i bought things for my better being, which comes quite costly. i never took my skin seriously, but because i wanna have the perfect skin like i saw on movies...i threw myself with this pricy beauty stuffs. yeah i know its the make up, but hey.. maybe they do have perfect skin. plus.. i still bought em coz i think that with cost, i would be wasting a lot of money if i didnt use em. it seems that that theory is working..for me and its about time now to take good care of myself. and i got my hair trimmed, and also bought this thing that is suppose to make my hair perfect and not age. heh. so.... work the spell!

im clinique-d.
but i have few other things need to be doctored.
my lens is due to change. wardrobe has to be filled with new jeans. the shelf needs to put in with new pairs. and of course, my desire for everything everything that i see that i wanna buy. ngaa..

" Raise your hopeful voice, you have a choice "

ngaaaaaaaaaaaaa......................................

this is one of em! they have all the bands that id like em to be in my collections! never heard of.. but their songs are really nice to hear.. plus! they have narrowed down for me!

i think... i cant leave my paypal a/c dormant!
dz gave me this one link with a whole huge links to links. and i found this one.. and im strucked with madnesss!! i cant choose! theres too many!

jangan tamak! pilih dengan baik.. dan beli.
baiklah cikgu....

ngaaa!!!!!

those..

actions,
were...

petting pride is just not necessary. what benefits could have grown?
things are suppose to be seen differently as we grow older.

if only reason and intuition combines.

ouh! nothing in particular, tengok kerenah orang tua.. and the nearest examples would be mi daddi and that i reminded myself about him with a conversation that i had with ana the other night and serious ones with dz. pphhbt, i dont want to grow old like him. i respect him, on few of the values that he has. others just irrelevant sometimes.

do you think its hard growing old?
i once saw this one book at my old frens house when i was back in form 4, and the title was ' dealing with aging parents ' (and of course i didnt care to pick up).... hihi. i guess growing old does have certain insecurities, and probably its almost impossible for them to adapt anymore... then thats when that book might come in handy. i wonder how.. i got off from mine by just nodding.

"aging is a disease"
cottage fries.

hari sabtu hari apa ??

Hari Raya!
therefore i'd like to wish my fellow muslims Happy Aidilfitri, and to enjoy your triumph for having to fast the whole month..moderately, humbly.. but happy. :D

Mine was funny and just crazy. i mean, during that time it wasnt really funny or crazy, but seeing the pics that i took, this year had been quite different. not quite.. a lot actually.. on other things as well. and the kids were just ecstatic. raya must have meant so much to them, just like back then. and my home, is the kampung halaman that they will be telling their friends, and cherry on top would be.. ermm.. " i really have a super cool aunt ! ". ok.. tak kene mengena.

i wiki-ed aidilfitri and just like i thought, the maaf zahir batin is a tradition which is only going on in singapore and malaysia. but i didnt read till end coz its just too long. yeah! but this tradition is good, its like lifting a little guilt thats been hanging inside you, like coming clean.. especially if you're being honest. :P about me, i think i havent been that honest when kneeling and asking to forgive. coz i have these dark truths that i didnt think my parents would be delighted to forgive. so i cried. but most times that i cried wasnt due to the dark truths, just for the facts that i hadnt been nice to them. sometimes... tapi mengada je nak menangis, coz truly simply there were just heavier things going on with my parents and the older siblings. older.. i really mean olderrrrr.

besides, its just unfair on one thing. reason : if we think we're really right doesnt mean we dont have to apologise. the person who has asked to be forgiven is of course to be forgiven, and in return, we shouldnt be bongkak to just say.. alright you're forgiven. how do you know if we were really being right? how do you know that the forgivee doesnt hold any grudge or thinks that we're right? there must some part they must have felt we're also wrong and by being the one asking is a gesture to make peace. to ask is already a token, coming out from that mouth takes a whole lot of courage and to ask in return, is a real humble slave to Almighty.

just a thing i observed at home. i guess that event made me. so, i really really want to do things right after this. whats the use of saying it without doing it? its just hurtful seeing. kalau buat kat orang lagi la kan? but im laying low, id behave whenever i can.

but heh, what is world without unfairness?
i am just againts the world. with dizzy, we're two againts the world. anybody?

ouh! have you seen bourne ultimatum? that movie made me gone haywire! its too crazy to compare or to comment. mcm... agagagaggaa. best gilaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!

another movie which is also breathtaking, but totally different genre is " the mighty heart ". its based on a true story, and i read about the story on Times which they interviewed the real person, i mean the woman i forgot her name. basically that movie was about daniel pearl's wife, telling about the agonies that she had to go thru during the event where her husband went missing for months ++ and finally a video footage being sent with gruesome beaheading scene of her hubbie's. thats just that and sad. and jolie played it really well. i never really gave her any credits in acting, but this one might just change my mind. you should really watch this one. i mean, i dont know if this story being berat sebelah tunjuk barat and everything bad about islam... but still, behead someone is just too much regardless of what reason so ever.

why cant they see? to request is not by force, and to be powerful is not with violence! *mengeluh*

:P

so, happy thoughts from now on!
woot!

** forgivee is not an english word. putting ' one to ask ' is too long. its some sort of.. mentor mentee. forgiver forgivee.

everything is half

i wonder...

i just came back from a very long holiday almost like a month last month, i was forced to. its the company's regulation. it was awesome! and still i havent had the time to update those. :P i dont know what i did, but it was quite full.

still however, i get distracted pretty easy lately. i dont realise if i have been thinking, but what i do realise is that i worried about few lotsa things. its not much but it utilises every inch of my brain and never fail to faint my heart. ive been questioning. i have questions. i no longer know what i want.

questions ive been asking myself about me:
1) am i content?
2) why am i having sleeplees nights? what am i thinking?
3) what am i doing now?
3) have i fulfilled my youth to full?
4) what if?
5) is money everything?
6) if i were to just run, how is it that im going to live?
7) do i have a destination in life? what would that be?
8) am i worth it?
9) is everything else worth the effort?
10) havent i done enough?
11) am i doomed?
12) why do i worry too much!? gggrrr!
13) is he the one?
14) am i the one?
15) will he be with me always? will people be with me always?
16) do i always hurt?
17) do i care enough?
18) am i still fun?
19) is he crazy enough?
20) why the not happy thoughts open wider?
21) am i a coward?
22) am i asking for too much?
..) im tired.

hmm. i could almost answer all the questions, but i am only partially sure when i answer, but above all im just not sure what i want. i mean.. overally. im not shattered or unglued or confused or what ever it is i can think of.. just i wish.

i halfheartedly go to work. ive been staying for months and months almost a year now coz of the pay. its pays wonderful money. and wonderful days when u go and spend it. and i have left my degree for a year and i dont think i have all it takes to work up my degree. plus, i dont have the heart for that either. so im stucked. but i know i just have to be optimistic. still i feel im stucked. im a coward i guess.

the funny thing is that, ive been talking to thousands today and yet i feel like i havent changed a bit. i feel like im getting more private now. i see people, i see my friends every now and then, but i couldnt let myself to talk. i went blank, and i always thought that maybe my story is no drama and would bore them, but most of times i lost thoughts to tell. so what exactly? im never gonna get fat, too much energy been supplying my brain than to my flesh. :@

what have we become?

we're special. the human race. god's greatest creation.
but with the ability to think and to differ and to grasp, why some of them have refrained themselves from using it the right way? and to commit monstrous acts which are.. unbelievably inhuman.

what have we become?
animals is animals. they are just animals. and they cannot go much worst than being animals.
monster derives from legendary creatures which is still believed to be animals. which animals cannot go much worst than being animals.

so for whatever acts that humans do, we cannot compare it with animals. because we are more than animals.

really exactly,what have we become?





my heart goes to those who are swollen.

i certainly was!

i was circumnavigating the world, well just another small part of it. i had let myself to be blown away with the sun. i was just dying. and i felt like it would be a total regret if i hadnt. i certainly was.



will tell more about my escapade when i have a huge amount of time to spend.

sorry about piggies on prev post. that was just me being angry and looked stupid! blurgh.

ouh! somebody is turning a year older!!