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On Time
Uploaded by berlinale_talent_campus

time of month

I hope nobody will call me from the office tomorrow.
I’m hoping to receive a call from the office that I’m applying job with tomorrow. It has been days and days now that I haven’t heard from them, but between the hopes… I know I’m not fit for it, also brings another meaning; give up. I was told to do a follow-up with them, but it’s better to assume. I didn’t apply for multiple jobs at a time and not getting to land on this one, a slap to my face.

…That I am among the thriving.

I am now listening to this one song. I don’t know whether I should say the song’s depressing, but it has tones of blue sky and green grass and you’re in a middle of nowhere. Surprisingly has the ability to make me blog. But I am not so in high spirits now.

I started my day feeling all muzzy, and I did my laundry, and I slept again for 20 minutes before I went for shower and to work. Weirdly I thought that if I didn’t have a stomach too sensitive as one of my superpowers ie: I can skip meals, and eat whatever I like ie- cute stuffs like bunny toys, I’d be grateful enough. Really. I was down again with gastricitylights which had made me dizzy and nauseous and disoriented up to (A) a point of where I didn’t mind if someone were to stab my head with nails many times, and my chest and die. I’d be thankful coz it would totally stop the unpleasantness of being sick and alive. No, I am not wishing to die young or to perform an act of suicide, but I can understand now how one decides to just jump and leave. It must have been too much to handle. Therefore, another view of suicide that must be accounted… is that they have so much courage and bravery to… you know. Jump and leave.

But rest assured that my mind is clear. Only sometimes, this chest does feel heavy, and the bad news is that lately, I am easily provoked and irritated. It is something not nice and sick and please go back to (A) above.

A question though; how can you live up with something so long, but only now you can’t live up with it anymore?
Supposedly, you should be like… stoned, seasoned, doomed, focused like nobody’s business, made for it forever, proses luluhawa sampai pecah batunya menjadi pasir, yeah? Thinking of it, it’s like… not fair when you decide to give up especially after so long.

I am one of them.
Almost… almost gave up.
But I couldn’t, coz of that thing about being doomed and the unfair part and things to take care of.

Basically however, I am going to give it up. I was on the verge of giving my job up but something just came around the corner. That whatever things crash down to my door, I only have myself to depend on. I mean, I cannot really rely on things that I heard and promised and assured by, especially if it involves so much of me. Its really disappointing, especially words made by people you love.

It’s a no wonder, that one can just walk away from the ones loved. It’s too hurtful to be kept hidden and forgotten. So, I understand.

slow down, please.

awesome wednesday is today. it is hot but not that hot, i think its gonna rain somewhere in the late afternoon. i woke up early today, coz i just had to go for lunch, i dont wanna skip afraid that i wont be healthy tomorrow. and i dont wanna sleep now, afraid that i might get a terrible headache later.

i have few other things to do other than blogging, but knowing that i have things to speak out though not important.. my thoughts just need to be jotted down, plus ive been meaning to write for so long, and it hadnt been done for past few months and now i think i need to do what had been procrastinated.

earlier on, i watched the debate from 2 big debaters. its tiring really, and i mean m not tired of watching 2 people getting back at each other about their stands.. only that it makes me wonder, and its tiring to think of the whole. i dont have any political views, and if tomorrow the governments going to be reformed.. id still be the same. just like any other fellow citizens... especially those who are hard earners. no matter how, we all would still be struggling. yeah, if the fuel gone down of 50¢... it is a relieve, but we all would still be struggling for something to look forward which in any matters at all.. to find more cash and keep afloat. i know i speak of being ignorant, ouh.. i am one coz i didnt go home to vote.. but bigger things need to be put for thoughts and to worry about. you would get the idea especially if you depend solely on employment pay. :( i know i need to stop 'not to vote', although maybe 1 vote from me might not change the whole power picture.. at least i am being responsible. i guess. and with the whole new internet tech blogging online media whatever the new generations can get hooked on, its just hard to continue being ignorant. like me. ouh, biffy is my source of things like the above coz he read and follow a lot about things, in exaple like the above (and he voted :P). and whenever i read about the news online, id go to him to know more.. and turned out uglier than i thot.

and disturbing. im not siding anyone, but if anyone were to come up with the idea of PK.LH sodomising a young adult... i find it impossible too.

enough.

me now.

have i mentioned about losing a small part of my tetek had made my face grow lotsa pimples? yeah. thats one of the observation, its really not cool. and clinique doesnt do that much magic anymore. :P but im chilling now, coz i thought that maybe my body is still adapting with my tetek's lost.. but it past 5 months now? ngaaa. i should stop chilling yeah? i hate ads. they make me ugly. :P

my life's a routine. im still living on day to day basis. its not good, and it doesnt bring me anywhere but changes will be made when things come to me knocking hard on my chest. i know i cannot wait for that.. but drive my friend... drive. i have a lil in me now... and im making small steps.. but hey, although in a slow motion, im still moving. yeah?

ouh, me and biffy... we're buying a place to stay. its awesome! i just cant wait to move in. ouh not yet.. i just cant wait to paint, to decorate, to furnish, to sweep to clean up whatever.. and move in! its nice to stay at a place where you can call your own. awww.

and about me and biffy, from last entry there was a slight teasing statement stating that something was going on between me and him.. and im really glad that things had come to light. and the other day, we went out together with his sister and we reminisced about how terrible this one fight that i had with biffy where i threw my shoes at him, and the second terrible fight and more. and i realized that i have grown matured, and so does he and how we tackled the latest blackout in our relationship.. how i made moves to spill all the beans and i dont know. but its so totally cool now coz however hard things get, we're still moving forward.he's jus the cutest thing. ouh but i dont know yet, coz he found a new hobby.. which he gotten himself a big bike and spend a lot on it.. and yeah, i hope he would still have time to spend with me. not on me. mind you. :P there is a difference yeah?

ouh music! so very much alive in me.. and it is the only blanket that id hide into if im in a deep muddy shit. the other day, something happened where i gotten myself unhappy knowing that biffy doesnt have that much heart in things that i love. not much that was asked.. only asking him to watch this one vid that i like and its just sooo hard to get him to watch it. and he only watched it when i started to back-off coz i know that he watched it coz he just had to and it looked not sincere. i hate myself at that time for taking things too seriously. its a small thing to ask and to make a bigger deal out of it.. but is it a bigger thing to do from a small thing that was asked? yeah i dont know, but i have always been enthusiastic about things that he likes and support him whatever though sometimes not my thing... but yeah. im not complaining really.. reaallly. just a small piece of heart that i find it swollen. i didn't get to tell him how i felt about the other day.. about the music video thing.. so yeah.

four leaf clover. "According to legend, each leaflet represents something: the first is for hope, the second is for faith, the third is for love, and the fourth is for luck."

its my new thing now. i got a necklace with pendant of four leaf clover. from Aunt Feroza. its beautiful really. :D and i just gotta know the superstition thing about it the other time when i wiki-ed. yeah.

dots.

It’s the coming of May

Holy cow!
I cant believe its about to be May already. Im daydreaming and think its still march, but march has long gone, and april! I have almost forgotten all about april. And may is the only reason why im back in april (hihi, it’s the last day anyway)

So May is my month. Im gonna get a year older. and I got myself an instant camera from Alib! Im in love with it, only about instant camera that’s unkind… is the scarcity to get the films. Plus it’s expensive as well. But, I don’t worry about it anymore, coz I received a call saying that the stocks have already came and that my pay came in time too, so… I’m going to buy myself the films. I’m going to stock em up. Not much, at least something to get myself excited. :D

And my coming birthday, is going to be my first, that I don’t get to spend it with myself as I have to go to work. That’s a big fuck, but responsibility is a bigger fuck than that. Aside to that fuck, on the 2nd itself ive gotten myself a meeting for something that’s gonna really steer my life to something else (if I ever get to land on it). I hate to say I don’t have high hopes for it, but I couldn’t really not having my heart set for it… coz hope is all that I have. I’m going to be humble for I am nothing but a true servant. There’s no easy love when it comes to life. Gggrrr.

I wanna fly war helly too and pick up friends and party and spend the world’s wealth! *with a slump face*

to & fro

hello.

i just had my surgery and i am now on a recovery phase. nothing serious anyway :P but yeah it was a total new experience for me. i had it all written in my diary, so i kinda am not in the mood of typing it all again here. this will be edited anyway. if my heart comes to pour it all out.

however, my biggest heart goes to the people who had shown love and care especially ayin, and dizzy and alia. and dar, dar's sister, munirah, harry, shah, zainal, suhaimi, amjad, zamri and nani. i mean, i dont mind if you guys didnt show up at all... but having you there was a blast. and ouh, to those who have also wished me well. it was a moment of my life.

ouh. i stayed at the hospital for only a night.. a restless one i must say. and i dint tell any of my family members up until hours before the surgery. :P . they went mad, but i had my reasons explained. and they were like.. ' ye elleh... '. i just dont want em to worry, especially when that was a super minor. so yeah.

and its not just me in a recovery. you know, me and dizzy is now on our 5th year. we went through rocky moments and still made it. just only... i wanna believe that things between us will be bridged forever if we believe that communication and honesty plays the biggest part. so yeah.

i still have hopes. only that i wanna make my hope to be realized. and that wont come to a realization if im playing it out alone.

.. double dots.

anaesthetize me

till you are returned.

So I have scheduled the date for the extraction of the lump, the funny thing about scheduling with the doctor’s PA the other day was that.. she wanted me to opt for ‘being conscious and awake during the surgery’. On that second, I didn’t mind coz firstly, I don’t want to be admitted, and the cost might be cheaper, and experience where! half of my body will be numbed, doktor juling tgk tetek saya, ouh! see if there were any similarities with what I saw on tv.. and prolly coz I thot I would be in love with myself more, you know seeing things with your bare eyes. at the same time, Mun was there with me.. and she was terrified hearing that, and especially after I said I didn’t mind. She thought it was just crazy and horrifying to see the doctor performing the surgical procedures, and the sounds, the lights..pphbt! only then I got to realize… whutta F was I thinking?

Please do let me brag.

The PA aka My Girl (as called by my Dr. H) told me that both were just the same. Only that if I opt anesthetics, I will have to stay a night in the hospital, but if I go for for the other one, I can just walk home on the same day (see how minor it is :P). but.. mun changed my mind, and I told PA I didn’t think I could do anything while Dr. H perform. Hihi. So yeah! I was always healthy; I had never been to hospital because of myself. It’s pretty scary. You know, the other day I went there… its just sickening to see sick people. Pphbt. Surprisingly, I once had the idea to probably do another degree .. say nursing. But, that visit had totally completely changed my perspective. Im just not as strong. I don’t have that much courage. But nurses can fling around with the doctors?

Mihihi.

Ouh. I had a tough January I must say. What a start for a new year. Im not complaining but, I just wished that I have some kind of an escapade… just a short while I don’t mind; as long as I get to run as far from this world of responsibilities and work and sickness. And I kinda erm… been having feelings that my mom would probably go this year.

I’m no work of miracle, every now and then I do hope that The Almighty will still give her time to let me show her enough love.

So yeah.
Greet me well 2008.

err. my date with Dr H will be on the 20th. im going to spend a night.
anaesthetize me till ur returned.

me hope for..

i kinda miss my old cluster with bunch of cool people. now that ive moved to a new one with a new bunch of people.. cant help but feeling how terribly i am missing my old one. hehe although we are not that far apart (like only few steps away), still! although not that far apart, the environment make things more complicated.

so.. how am i doing?
im doing fine, just alil bit faint and faded.
and that i dont know what to expect about the checkup tomorrow. i told dizzy that i thought of the worst, he said i was a pessimist. but i replied with Ifs prepares me for when.. so i wouldnt be that sad if its true..and that if its nothing.. totally jolly about it. he still said i was a pessimist. and i think.. whoever has that positive waves running in and out of their minds, is totally out of this world.

yeah. im a lil dizzy here now. ive never really been to a specialist for something that looks serious. so this kinda gimme shivers to the bone.

im giving names to my lumps. the right one would be lola, and the lefty is loli.
merepek. so in a way, im giving names to my boobs.

so let the sunshine, let it come.. to show me that tomorrow is eventual, which i only know it when the day is done.

miow.

do you think it will work out wrong?

i went to see the doctor, and get my breasts checked out. it was really embarrassing.. and she didnt say much though about the lumps. i noticed one, but she noticed 2 on both sides... and she drew my boobies on her cool computer/tablet (i dont knwo what they call it). and i was like.. 'wow..ur drawing my boobies" and she replied.. 'ouh yeah.. i dont really write'. :P

and she referred me to the surgical department (wha??)for a further thorough check-up at DSH.
sounds agonizing.. but yeah.. kinda. a lil. and since i was on off day, i just straight away went there and scheduled for a consultation on coming monday with a guy doctor! got meself an MC! so yeah.

i dont know if im feeling worried, but... its just kinda sad. i dont know what im sad about, but prolly im just sad coz i was just planning and about to get my life straight, and this kinda shove me off a little out of the way. although i know this is going to be nothing, but i guess i will have to stall some of my plans.

but im still going to get my shades powerlensed or whatsoever.

im feeling cold.

i am still in love with rachael yamagata.
and im anticipating for her latest album, which i dont know when shes going to release em!

urgh!

and i bumped into one of her songs 'what if i leave' which she was singing live on kcrw.. and... breathtaking.

' You were gone that day, so you may have missed my goodbye '.

seperti biasa, lagu mellow.

to the doctor

i must go.

lump, as i certainly know is in my booby.. it has been there since quite few years and only now i have got to find out what purpose that lump is serving to my booby (definitely not making my boob bigger).

so yeah, i hope its nothing. yeah its nothing.
but there are few circles that i know that they had actually succesfully removed lumps on their boobs.. afraid that it might be cancerous. heh...

im going to get my breast examined! woot!

explosions in the sky

hello,

this is the new year! and i have no new resolution except for the one i made with dizzy, one with making myself fat. im on my way through that, and besides eating junks at work, i opted for cakes and kebabs and juices and suppers. get fat the healthy way.

about 2007, i have maybe accomplished so much last year, with me being able to go for a holiday and jolly good time travelling, meet new people and with new babies in noah, and ive worked the whole year thru 2007 (gila!), concerts and nadal... and shopped my heart out although not as much but still... above all, im just surprised that in some ways.. i am able to stand on my own two feet. i am now can be called independent. however, i just dont think ive grown any mature.. from last 2 years. nah i dont think so. but i believe, with what i have gone through.. had really taught me alot, and those are ones that i cant really explain or define and interpret. somehwre i know.

and.. the hardworks and depressions and dizziness whatsoever, i still had my fair share of happiness. despite all that, i am still in love with the world. and you.. you know you. thank you for always stand still with me. i wouldnt be able to be i am now without u. and im requesting for you to always still, in years to come.

2008. head on, im ready!
ouh.. add on to my what to do this year.. i have got to take control of my life!

in love i am

you know, this is something forbidden to tell, and you must you must not tell anyone about this.

i fell in love with another guy. he made me forget about my partner although he's just beside me. looking at him all sweaty and tired and with full of determination, he had totally made my heart melt. tall with strong arms, sexy ass.. and that long hair.. and urgh! my fantasy kinda guy.. :P

so who is he? no other than rafael nadal! yet another dream has come true, coz mr dizzy made it real! and for that... i love my partner moreeee! it was a total adrenaline seeing the game. ive always wanted to watch tennis matches live, the big ones like..wimbledon or the french open.. but although this one aint that much, but it means a lot..damn lot coz i gotta see pro players play! hes 2nd, federer's 1st. federer is playing tomorrow, but since im working, so that has strickened me from going. but i don mind, it was more thrilling to see young bloods play. urrghhh! i love you! you know you!!

but nadal really did made me forget about dizzy. :P
mmuahs!!!!!

next would be james morisson! i wanna see him!
coz you gimme.. something.. lalalalalal!

inhalee!!!!

exhale!!!!

**yawn**

today with a taurus and a new baby in noahs!

The Bottom Line
It takes time to figure things out, but you are standing on a firm foundation now.

In Detail
Is there any such thing as 'normal'? And if there was, would you want to be it? Of course not! More than ever, you cherish your unique qualities as well as the uniqueness of your friends. Today is a great day to socialize and celebrate your diversity -- or at least organize your next social extravaganza. It goes without saying that you should avoid the same old activities and seek out something a little bit edgier. An outrageous day trip could be the perfect thing.

hihi, im with my parents now and they come from far...so i guess im gonna skip the social day today. besides, just last wednesday i went out back to back with ppl, plus dah botak dah berbelanja. next one i intend to just spend it wif dizzy. and there is a thing called normal, and im already it. and i dont mind. tats a unique part of me. i love being normal. only sometimes i crave for something more. but tats so normal.

well, social has a new meaning for the cyber world. :P
i pasted the horoscope from fs, and i think its a scam. almost everyday tat i read, it will promote social activities, go out yadaa yadaa. its like another way of saying.. hey, tats why we're here. find somebody and do something. tapi sangat memang la kan. pphhbt.

yeah.

taurus's forever love match isssss virgo. you know you! yeah you!
then capricorn. ive come acrossed these people, and i could fall for them.
then come cancer which i dont think ive ever met any cancer. if any, surely theyre cancerous. pisces yeah boleh kira jari (ones that i care enugh to know)... but dont entirely get me, or i dont entirely get them. the rest.. is a match made in hell. :P but for everything everything other than love, taurus is the perfect match for all stars. not me, some junkefunke webbie stated tat.

im a gem u know. u too i know. :)

* purple tentacle, you plant this idea. and im growing them!

latest: buntal's wife just gave birth to baby hadif safuan. hihi. so its like my 11th, and its no longer a surprise :P . i heard that she was in so much pain way before the actual birth. tats coz shes fat. really. she was so fat ppl wouldnt notice tat she was pregnant. im not joking, and i dont hate her eithr in case if ur getting there. im just stating the fact. and the gynae already told her if she didnt jaga makan, she will be having complications. and i guess tat was wat happened.

okie.

" im worth the world "

ive googled about armani code. and i read about comments about that parfum, and one of those comments was that... " that perfume makes me like im worth the world ". nicely put huh!

i went out with ruth to mv and i bought one, but before i googled them of course.. burghs!! ive tried the 0.7fl oz sample and i fell in love, and my other perfume has gone missing.. so i was perfumeless ( altho there are 2 others both awefully bungawan.. which is not me to be bungawan cinta lestari :P ). agak mahal jugakla, plus buying one wasn't even on my first things first list. im that impsulsive pimpulsiva. tsk!

anyway, ive googled about it coz i was curious.. what type of women that buy this kinda perfume and see whether we have any connections... coz i certainly like it, and ive tried to compare with other perfumes on that parfum shop but nothing comes like this one (paris hilton's was nice.. but paris hilton?? i knew some ppl who already wear em..) back to the main main.. the women.. i couldn't conclude what type of women they were. but most of all of all, they love it coz that perfume is catchy. caught lotsa attentions yadaa yadaa. i was actually hoping to see that erm.. the femmes were.. mysterious. but i guess not really.. coz they were happily happily happy commented about the perfume. see what i mean? hmm..funny coz id like to think myself as one, mysterious. :P and if i were to comment.. and to make it sound mysterious.. id put.. " the smell is dark... but yet flashes flashes, turns heads and thunders.. " ngada je.

also, i got my lens replaced. i was shocked to see that my rabunness has incresead from 0.25 - 1.20 ? ? in less than a year. the lens costs me a lot too. tapi at least dia ada dalam list utamakan bende utama. another thing to worry about. i cant let my eyes pergi lagi rabun. i feel like.. ive sinned.. and that God is taking it away bit by bit. that is of course religiously speaking ( you know what they say about bad things ). but ill take the scientific reasons just to be realistic. and less scary.

and ouh, i uploaded marketa's song. its nice.. daringly dark duck.
the song's sad. and i like sad songs. sad songs makes me feel theyre feeling really sad when they make sad songs. dont you think so? coz i feel like.. it takes a lot to make something and to sound sincerely something. but so far, the saddest singer songwriter ever.. would be rachael yamagata. she topples everyone. for now.

PLUS! dont forget to read about this fashion tip. dz gave the link to me for fun reading. and yeah it kinda make sense. :P pergi sini! hints: red lipsticks / cool hat / catchy tee wordings / vagEYEna.

" if you want me, satisfy me "

** shit its already november! **

work and social responsibility

?

i miss marissa cooper.
i wanna go home.

its 2 separate stories.
dont get all mixed.
im just tired.

buat apa huh??

ive been stalking other ppl's friendster! bosan kann.
but not just some people. mostly are my long lost friends, and just wanna hear lil updates from them.

ive brought along dvds for me to watch. but i havent got the hinch to see. ouh ouh. hinch is not an english word (kot). just tat i felt right typing it and suiting it with the sentence.

nak kench.

and errr..

"If someone you care about is being unrealistic about things, you have to tell them."

what if im the one being unrealistic? whos gonna temme?????

how often do you find the right person?

once

no matter how many you have in mind. only one topping others. ke ? ?? kan kan?
really. i mean, if you're thinking about ex bfs, and the current one.. of course u'd think the right person is the current one. and chances that u think how often.. it would be once. unless of course if you're being dumped and you wishfully still think that he's the right one for you, altho now ur with somebody else.. then its still once then...kan? im talking in circles. but yeah, right person can only be found once.



one of the songs..

so.. once. its a movie that i saw with dizzy. ive been waiting for that movie to show up on kedai ahpek, and i was obviously happy to see my anticipation was finally being rewarded by giving away rm5 and a movie in return with a good storyline. that movie, as per stated.. is a modern day musical ( way better to compare to hairspray.. ). the songs that were sang in the movie were super nice (im now looking to buy for the original ost.. ala ala devics, damien rice), and of course about that right person. it was nice. really nice. kinda make me inspired to make music. to make songs. about people who have given me so much experiences. with basic chords but with melodious tones.

hihi.. talking bout this, just now we were playing with the guitar. playing with only one note as a kickstart, we have to look for as many melodies we can get. its not as easy, but at least we got to know that its not about the technicals that matters.. its how creative you can be to play around it.


this is the ice mocha somone bungkus it for me. aww.

ive been out. and i bought things for my better being, which comes quite costly. i never took my skin seriously, but because i wanna have the perfect skin like i saw on movies...i threw myself with this pricy beauty stuffs. yeah i know its the make up, but hey.. maybe they do have perfect skin. plus.. i still bought em coz i think that with cost, i would be wasting a lot of money if i didnt use em. it seems that that theory is working..for me and its about time now to take good care of myself. and i got my hair trimmed, and also bought this thing that is suppose to make my hair perfect and not age. heh. so.... work the spell!

im clinique-d.
but i have few other things need to be doctored.
my lens is due to change. wardrobe has to be filled with new jeans. the shelf needs to put in with new pairs. and of course, my desire for everything everything that i see that i wanna buy. ngaa..

" Raise your hopeful voice, you have a choice "

ngaaaaaaaaaaaaa......................................

this is one of em! they have all the bands that id like em to be in my collections! never heard of.. but their songs are really nice to hear.. plus! they have narrowed down for me!

i think... i cant leave my paypal a/c dormant!
dz gave me this one link with a whole huge links to links. and i found this one.. and im strucked with madnesss!! i cant choose! theres too many!

jangan tamak! pilih dengan baik.. dan beli.
baiklah cikgu....

ngaaa!!!!!

those..

actions,
were...

petting pride is just not necessary. what benefits could have grown?
things are suppose to be seen differently as we grow older.

if only reason and intuition combines.

ouh! nothing in particular, tengok kerenah orang tua.. and the nearest examples would be mi daddi and that i reminded myself about him with a conversation that i had with ana the other night and serious ones with dz. pphhbt, i dont want to grow old like him. i respect him, on few of the values that he has. others just irrelevant sometimes.

do you think its hard growing old?
i once saw this one book at my old frens house when i was back in form 4, and the title was ' dealing with aging parents ' (and of course i didnt care to pick up).... hihi. i guess growing old does have certain insecurities, and probably its almost impossible for them to adapt anymore... then thats when that book might come in handy. i wonder how.. i got off from mine by just nodding.

"aging is a disease"
cottage fries.